Darkness
by justkillingtime
Summary: Thirteen years ago Voight and Lindsay put Costa Del Torro away, now a highway accident has him free and he's hell bent on destroying the one who put him away.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: I've been away from posting fan fiction for quite some time. After leaving too many stories unfinished I decided to not post another until the end of the story was in sight. This is the first time I've come close. I started this back in season one when a lot of Erin's back story was unknown, some things don't quite follow the details of the show don't read anything into that. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

"Turn on the television," Ruzek yelled as he ran up the stairs, "there has been a massive accident on the freeway; it's all over the news."

Ruzek reached the television first; he turned it on as everyone gathered around behind him. The chopper coverage of the accident was crazy, they couldn't count how many cars and trucks and buses there were. Then Halstead saw it, the prison transport van, everyone seemed to swear quietly under their breath and then as if just for them the news coverage started listing the prisoners who'd escaped.

Lindsay's blood ran cold when she saw the name of the third prisoner, Costa Del Torro. Voight came up behind her, placed his hand on her shoulder. She hadn't even heard him approach. The news bulletin ended.

"Back to work everyone," Voight yelled, "Lindsay in my office." She followed him to his officer, closed the door behind her.

"Are you okay kid?" he asked, she noted his use of the word kid, he wasn't asking as Voight her boss and head of Intelligence, he was asking as Hank her over protective almost father.

"I'm fine," she said crossing her arms over her chest. She wasn't fine, she was actually a little freaked out but she didn't want Voight to know.

"I want to place a car outside your building? Or maybe you could stay with me."

"Stay with you? That's probably the stupidest thing we could do. It wasn't just me Costa was hell bent on getting revenge with it was you too." She uncrossed her arms, brushed her hand over her gun. "I don't need protection."

"Lindsay," Voight stepped forward as if he was going to touch her, she stepped back.

"I can take care of myself, I'm not a little girl anymore." This time she openly touched her gun, gave it a little pat. "If Costa comes, I'll be ready," she said and she stepped back, turned around and walked out the room before Voight could say anymore, before he could talk her into something she didn't want. She didn't want Voight to know she was scared but more than that she didn't want the rest of the unit knowing the details of that part of her history.

-8-8-8-

Costa had been the reason she met Voight thirteen years earlier. She was a kid, fourteen trying to keep herself alive on the streets of Chicago. Four years earlier she'd ran away from home, her mom's new boyfriend kept trying to make visits into her bed at night. Her mom didn't believe her when she told her. Instead she yelled at her, called her a bunch of horrible name and kicked her out the house.

It was late in the evening and the train station was the first open building she came to. There was a family waiting to board a train to Chicago, she stayed close to them and when the train arrived she pretended to be one of them. No one questioned her but when she arrived in Chicago she had nowhere to go. Costa found her huddling in a doorway trying to keep warm, he invited her back to his place, offered her a roof, a warm bed, and a hot meal. She didn't trust him for a second but she was smart enough to know she would freeze if she spent the night on the street.

For a while things were good, he fed her, clothed her and even got her enrolled in school. She never had a father so at first it was kind of nice but she could tell Costa was a shady bloke too and after a few months his true colours started to show. There was a reason he enrolled her in school and it wasn't so she could get an education. He made his money selling drugs and he wanted to expand his market into the school. She was his middle man, he'd give her the drugs, little packed of white powder and people would come to her with money. She was a good little drug dealer, for over two years she dealt Costa's, H and coke while still doing well at school but then she met a boy. He'd transferred to school from somewhere far away and had trouble written all over him. When he found out she was the one with the drugs at school he slipped up beside her in the lunch room and asked her to hook him up. She took his money and gave him the merchandise but he didn't slide away like the others he asked her to come back to his place.

She should have known it was a bad idea but no one let alone a boy had ever asked her over. At his place he pulled out the little pack of drugs she'd sold him and asked her if she wanted to get high with him. He laughed when she told him she'd never tried the stuff, she tried to tell him no, intellectually she knew drugs were bad, she'd seen what they'd done to her mother, but he was so sweet and so persuasive. She took her first hit and it was a downward spiral from there.

At first she tried to hide her using, she increased her price at point of sale to cover the stuff she took. It worked when she only took one hit, but one soon became two and then three. She became addicted to the stuff and her work got sloppy. She got caught dealing at school, she was expelled on the spot, Voight was the police officer who showed up to arrest.

He hauled her arse into the station, asked her a bunch of questions, yelled at her a bit. At some point he called Costa but Costa never showed to bail her out. After three days Voight let her go, he never really explained how or why she was able to leave just handed her his business card and told her to call him if she needed help. She threw the business card away and went straight back to Costa, all she cared about was getting her next hit. Costa beat her half senseless for getting herself caught but she still managed to get her hit, before he kicked her into the streets again.

She turned to petty theft to make her money, house break-ins mainly but a little shoplifting as well. For almost a year she made enough money to keep her pockets lined with drugs but as the weeks and months went on her need for the drugs increased. Petty theft turned to solicitation. On her first night out she was arrested, it would have been a straight solicitation charge but she was wearing the clothing and jewellery she'd stolen the night before and when they searched her clothes they found her last hit of H. She was in lock up for twenty four hours before the penny finally dropped and she realised she was in serious trouble. With no one to turn to she did the only thing she could think of she asked for Voight.

When he finally arrived, she'd been in the lock up almost two days; she was tired, hungry, scared, and going through withdrawal. He yelled at her, he made her cry but when she finally listened to the words he was saying, he was mad at her for not calling him sooner. When he'd let off his steam he handed her a bag from McDonalds, with three cheeseburgers, a large fires and soda inside. While she ate he calmed down and then they talked.

He had a plan to make it all go away, he made a promise he help her get out but she needed to do something for him first. He wanted her to go back to Costa, he wanted to get someone on the inside, he wanted her to be his CI. When they had enough evidence to bring Costa and the rest of his network down, he'd get her out. She agreed to go back, the way she saw it, she didn't have much choice.

Going back to Costa was one of the scariest things she'd ever done. He slapped her around, called her a good for nothing but she stayed, kept her eyes open and recorded everything Costa said or did in her mind. Every few days she'd see Voight; she'd tell him what she'd seen, he'd give her some cash. Occasionally he'd bring her food as well, she was using all the money on drugs, eating didn't even cross her mind most of the time. The arrangement worked for a month and then someone snitched on her. She came back to the apartment one afternoon feeling good about herself she was high, in the euphoric relaxed state. Costa and all his cronies were sitting there, the drugs laid out nicely on the table.

"Where have you been Erin?" He asked as she walked in the door.

"Out," she said paying him no attention, at that moment she hadn't realised what was going on. She went to walk past him to head to her room but he grabbed her arm.

"Not so fast girl," he said yanking her arm and pulling her back to the sofa. He sat her down beside him and pulled her jacket off. "I've got something special for you all the way from Columbia. A new shipment has just arrived and we want you to be the first to try it." He pulled out a little vial of liquid H and a used needle.

"No thanks," she said and she tried to stand up, "I don't need any more now." But Costa and his crony on the side of her wouldn't let her stand.

"But this is special Erin and just for you." They held her down as the needle went into her arm, as the drug went into her system she heard him hiss. "I know what you've been doing you little snitch." She screamed for help but it was already too late. The drug was in her system and the beating had already started.

She would have died that night if Voight hadn't been keeping an eye on her. There were undercover officers across the hall and in the building across the way, they heard her scream. Just as she was losing consciousness, she saw Voight and a dozen other officers storm the place.

She woke up in the hospital two days later with Voight at her bedside. At first she thought she was in trouble, that she'd been arrested again but as Voight slowly began filling in the pieces she realised that wasn't the case. Costa and every one of his crew had been arrested, for her it was almost over. All that was left was putting Costa away, testifying against him. Voight said she had to get clean first, he sent her to rehab and when she got out he opened his home to her. For the first time in her life she had what resembled a normal family, a mother and father who actually cared and a little brother who thought she was the greatest thing on earth. It was hard to get used to, in the first month she ran away multiple times but Voight always came and found and he always took her back. She agreed to stay because she wanted to put Costa away, the thought that she was getting a family didn't even cross her mind until she was there, until she was living it.

Now thirteen years later the bastard was on the loose, she'd always known the day would come but she hadn't thought it would come so quickly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part two. Just a warning there is a bit of violence in this part.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Three days passed and Costa was still in the wind. The FBI was heading up the search for him, for the most part the Intelligence unit was staying out of it. They had other cases to work and some hot shot from the Bureau thought it would be a good idea if Voight and Lindsay kept their distance. Voight had been peeved off about the decision but Lindsay was quietly glad the unit wasn't getting all familiar with her past. Her name had been suppressed from the official records but if any of the squad started reading the files it wouldn't take them long to put two and two together and work out she was the kid. She wished they'd hurry up and find him though, maintaining a state of constant hypervigilance was starting to take its toll. She hadn't been home in days; instead she was sleeping at the station, working on anything constantly. When Voight finally noticed he sent her home, told her to get some rest, and said he'd have a patrol car go by her place. She didn't have the energy to fight him, mentally and physically she was drained.

Arriving home she locked her door and headed straight for the shower, unclipped her gun and placed it on the vanity before turning the water on and stripping off. She stepped under the warm stream of water and for a second closed her eyes. She let the water run over her head and felt her body begin to relax, she let her guard down. She didn't hear the door to her apartment open, she didn't hear the almost silent footsteps walk across the floor, she didn't realise she wasn't alone until someone grabbed her.

Every self-defence lesson she'd ever had kicked in, she tried to scream but a fist came flying hard across her face, she kicked, she got a knee in somewhere the man loosened his grip but he still had her trapped, she tried to reach for her gun but it wasn't there, another fist came flying and hit her hard across the other side of her face, she lost her balance and slipped. She hit her head hard and for a moment she blacked out, when she came to she was being dragged out of the shower by her legs, she tried to kick free but no sooner was one leg lose it was being held back down again. It was then she realised there wasn't just one man attacking her there were three and every one of them was bigger and stronger than she was. As they tied her up they continued to lay into her with their fists and feet until she lost consciousness again.

-8-8-8-

Jay walked up the stairs to Erin's apartment, a six pack in hand. He wasn't invited, she didn't know he was coming but he hopped the offer of beer might be enough to get her talking; there was something on her mind, something other than work getting to her. He could tell by the little things, all week she'd been hyper-vigilant, looking over her shoulder at every turn. If she was in some kind of trouble he wanted to know about it so he could protect her and protect his own arse too. In his mind he was going over everything he wanted to say but when he reached her apartment it all went out his head.

The door was slightly open; Erin never left her door unlocked, let alone open. Instinct told him not to touch the handle; instead he pushed the door open more with his elbow. "Lindsay," he called into the open doorway, "are you home? It's me Halstead, can I come in?" Silence. He stepped into the apartment and began walking towards the kitchen. The lights were off but the blinds were open, the open space of the kitchen living area was lit by the dark glow of the city lights. He saw her phone and keys sitting on the counter. "Erin, are you here?" he called out again, more silence. He walked towards the bedroom, the door was open, the lights off, he could see the outline of her jacket on the bed. "Erin," he called out again but by now he knew something was seriously wrong. He walked through the bedroom and into the bathroom, the only room in the house with a light on and there he saw it, blood on the floor, a crack in the shower screen, the only signs in the whole house that there had been a struggle.

He backed out the room fast, went back to the living area and phoned Voight.

"Lindsay's missing," he said trying to keep his head together. "I went to her apartment to have a drink and her door was open. There's blood in the bathroom."

"Okay," Voight sounded way to calm, "Don't touch anything, I'm on my way."

-8-8-8-

Voight drove lights flashing to Lindsay's apartment; he took the stairs at a run. He was still hoping Halstead had it wrong but he knew the guy was a good cop, he wouldn't get this wrong. In the apartment Halstead was pacing back and forth in the open space near the kitchen. He was hoping Voight would be able to give him a different explanation but that hope was lost as soon as Voight saw the bathroom. He was calling it in before he was even back in the kitchen. Within ten minutes Lindsay's apartment was full of police and detectives.

Voight lead Jay out of the apartment, "Let the crime scene guys do their thing," he told him. "I'll meet you back at the station. I'm calling the rest of the team in. I know who's taken her."

-8-8-8-

Lindsay came to in the back of a moving van, her ankles and wrists were tied and a black sack covered her head. She was on her side, something hard was digging into her hip, she tried to move but every time she did someone would kick her. . She soon got the message, stopped moving and began wishing she'd blackout again.

When they finally arrived at the destination someone pulled her into a sitting position and dragged her to the end of the van.

"I'm going to untie your feet now so you can walk," an unfamiliar voice told her. "If you try to run away there will be consequences."

She felt the binding on her feet loosen; as soon as they were free she let out an almighty kick. She made good contact with someone, she heard them stagger backwards and fall. She got to her feet and started running, her hands were still tied and the black sack covered her face. She couldn't see where she was going; she had no idea if she was running to safety or into more danger. Instinct told her to just keep moving, the ground beneath her feet felt like gravel and was slopping downwards. She ran with her hands out stretched in front of her, she was picking up speed and then she slipped, and was falling forward. She hit the ground hard, heard a snapping sound and pain shoot up through her shoulder. It knocked the wind out of her and for a moment she couldn't move. From behind her she could hear laughing and the sound of heavy footsteps. She tried to stand, she got as far as her knees before someone kicked her in the back, pushed her into the ground.

"Stupid bitch," she heard someone say as they tied her ankles, then began dragging her along the ground by her feet. She tried to keep her face off the ground but there was nothing she could do to stop the gravel ripping the rest of her front to pieces. When they reached their destination she was dropped to the ground.

"Stay," they said but before she could even entertain ideas of running away again her ankles were chained to the floor and her wrists to another chain. The chains were tightened and she was forced into a standing position. Her arms were wrenched above her head and she felt her shoulder rip out of place. She cried out in pain but the person pulling the chain didn't seem to care, they just kept pulling until they were satisfied, until her arms were stretched as far as they could go and only the ends of her toes touched the ground. She heard footsteps as they walked away, footsteps as someone else walked towards her, then they pulled the sack from her face. Costa stood in front of her smiling.

"Welcome Erin," he said. She spat blood in his face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part two. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. My aim is to post a new part every couple of days. Just a warning there is a bit of violence in this part.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Voight paced the Intelligence floor as he waited for the rest of the unit to arrive. He didn't like waiting, he didn't want to be sitting still but there was no point in jumping straight in on his own. He needed back up, support, and more eyes. The FBI had been looking for Costa for three days, they'd missed something, he needed to find it if they had any chance of bringing Lindsay back.

Halstead stood at the copier as it printed copies of everything they had on Costa Del Torro, wrap sheets, lists of known associates, court transcripts, prison visitor logs and random other pieces of information. Voight seemed to think the missing prisoner had something to do with Lindsay's disappearance but he couldn't see the connection. When the papers finished printing he carried them back to main room. He arrived just as Antonio walked up the stairs, the whole unit was there.

Voight stopped pacing; he took the papers from Halstead, handed copies to everyone.

"Thank you all for coming back in tonight," he began, "I know you're all very tired but…"

"Hey Voight shouldn't we wait for Lindsay to get here?" Ruzek asked cutting him off.

"Lindsay's not coming," Voight continued, "sometime this evening she was abducted from her apartment."

"What!?" The exclamation came from almost everyone's mouth. The tired looks disappeared from their eyes and they all moved closer.

"How do you know she's been abducted?" Antonio asked the question to Voight but Halstead answered.

"I went to her apartment, she wasn't there and she didn't leave willingly."

"Thank you Halstead, now as I was saying," Voight continued, "Lindsay is missing, the crime scene guys are doing their thing but I don't plan to sit here waiting for them to find her. Lindsay is one of our own and…" Voight pushed back the lump that was forming in his throat and stuck Costa's picture on the whiteboard.

"Costa Del Torro," he continued, "you've all seen his picture, the FBI has been looking for him for three days, they haven't found him, now we're looking too. The papers I gave you, that's everything we have on him so far. There is something missing, someone out there knows where he is. We find him, we find Lindsay, now get to work."

"Voight," Ruzek stuck up his hand, "what makes you so sure this Costa guy took Lindsay?"

"Because Lindsay put him away."

-8-8-8-

Lindsay clenched her jaw and tried not to scream as one of Costa's men began beating her, he was the first but from the looks of things he wouldn't be the last, across the room she could see two other men sitting with Costa, one was holding a baseball bat, the other a tree branch. This guy was just using his fists; he'd punched her twice, across the face, before moving on to her body. He was driving punches up under her ribs, and into her sides. With every punch the chains holding her up strained and pulled at her shoulder. That pain was worse than anything the punches were inflicting.

At some point Costa told him to stop and the next man stepped forward, he used the bat on her legs, on her back, on her chest. She felt her ribs crack and break, breathing became painful and she began to feel her body try and black out. By the time the final man stepped forward with the tree branch, she barely felt it as he whipped her back. Her body was shutting down, numbing itself to the pain, she could no longer tell where one pain stopped and the next one started. She'd lost feeling in her arms and shoulder, and her eyes were almost swollen shut.

"That's enough," Costa finally yelled, "it's my turn." The man walked away and Costa walked to her. As soon as he was close enough she spat in his face. "Now Erin we already talked about that," he said grabbing her chin and squeezing, "spitting at your host is not the proper way to behave." He let go of her and stepped to the side. She growled at him but didn't speak; she didn't have anything to say to him. He stepped around behind her and ran his fingers up and down her spine, chills ran over her body and she felt an uncontrollable urge to vomit. She clenched her jaw and managed to keep it down, then she felt a prick of pain in neck. Within seconds the rush hit her and she couldn't hold the vomit in, she brought up blood and bile and the remnants of the lunch she'd eaten only that afternoon. Costa yelled at her but she didn't really hear what he was saying, instead she was trying to fight the high that was racing through her system, she didn't want to feel it, but she couldn't stop it taking away her pain. He pulled out a large high powered hose and used it to hose down her and the floor. He stood back, looked at her and laughed and then just when she thought he was going to leave her hanging there cold and wet and buzzed he pulled out a knife, walked back to her and then began making small cuts across her body, he flicked out bits of gravel as he went, made small talk as if he was doing her a favour, she never said a word to him and, when he finally went to leave he pushed her hard, made her arms and legs strain against the chains.

Hours passed she tried to stay awake, she was afraid of what might happen if she fell asleep but at some point that evening the fatigue overcame her and she passed out. When she woke it was light outside and her chains were being released. She fell heavily to the floor, pain vibrated through her body but before she could process it she was being dragged across the floor. They hauled her into a small room and then on to a hard wooden chair. With four people holding her down they released her ankles from the chains and tied one to each chair leg, then they did the same with her wrists. She was lucid enough to notice the increased security but it really wasn't necessary, Costa was already starting to break her, her strength was failing but she was also smart enough to know running away wasn't an option.

For hours they left her alone, the pain slowly returned to her body, every inch of her ached or throbbed, Costa came in and shot her up with more heroin, the pain disappeared again and her mind got foggy. This cycle kept repeating itself, just as the heroin was starting to wear off, just as the pain was starting to return Costa would come back and give her more.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked him at one point, "Why don't you just kill me?"

He gave an evil chuckle and smiled. "I don't want to kill you Erin, I want to destroy you."

Soon she lost all concept of time, from where they kept her she could see night and day but she lost count of how many had passed. At one point she woke up untied and on the floor, it crossed her mind to try and run but she couldn't even stand let alone run. The next time she woke up she was back in the chair and she thought maybe she'd dreamed it. Costa kept her in an almost constant state of high, he'd let her go until the pain was just starting to return, until the withdrawal symptoms were just beginning raise their ugly head.


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part four. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to anyone who's already something on the reviews, much appreciated. Just a warning there is a bit of violence in this part.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Seven days had passed since Lindsay had gone missing. The entire intelligence team were pulling out all stops to try and find her but every lead they'd found had run to a dead end. They were all reaching the point of complete mental and physical exhaustion but no one could bring themselves to stop and rest. They all knew that every hour passing reduced the chance of finding her alive. Voight was taking it harder than any of them, he'd crossed the line with almost every purp, they'd dragged in for questioning. The cage was being used more than the interrogation rooms, not a single person left without sheading blood somewhere but none of them had the information they needed. They'd raided several buildings, busted two large drug rings but when the dust settled there was never any sign that Costa or Lindsay had ever been there.

Voight drove slowly around the streets of Costa's old neighbourhood, Halstead sat in the seat beside him. They were looking for clues, looking for people who might know something, might show them the link that was missing. Somewhere else in the city Olinsky and Ruzek were tailing another associate, while Dawson questioned associates at the prison again.

Voight's phone began ringing, he looked down at the ID, 'Wendy' one of his CIs.

"Voight," he said answering the phone, "what have you got?"

"That detective Lindsay you looking for," the woman began saying, "she just got kicked out a van half a block from my corner."

"Where are you?" He waited for the woman to give him the address. "I'll be there in three minutes." He hung up the phone, turned the car around and hit the accelerator.

"What did they say?" Halstead asked as Voight began driving fast.

"I know where Lindsay is," he said and he kept driving.

-8-8-8-

The heroin was wearing off, that was the primary thought running through Lindsay's mind, followed closely by where's Costa, when's he coming back. She'd reached a point where she no longer fought the heroin, she wanted it, she needed it, she almost looked forward to Costa coming in and giving her more, it made the pain go away, it made her forget where she was. It seemed to be a long time since her last dose, the withdrawal symptoms were more pronounced, her whole body was aching, her muscles were twitching , she was starting to sweat, her nose was running.

The door opened at the end of the room and Costa walked in. In his hand he held a loaded syringe and a knife.

"Hello Erin," he said bending down to her level, "how are you feeling?"

She lifted her head up and glared at him but she didn't say anything.

"Is that how it's going to be? Okay then." He took the knife and cut the binds holding her arms to the chair. "If you want your present you're going to have to give it to yourself." He placed the syringe in her hand and took half a step back.

He wasn't going to give it to her she realised, if she wanted it she was going to have to give it to herself. She wanted it, she wanted to make the pain stop, if she was going to be held in this awful place she didn't want to feel it but then there was the other part of her brain telling her not to take it, telling her it was bad for her. For ten minutes she fought the urge to inject the drug but in the end the pain became too much. With a hand that wouldn't stop shaking she carefully lined the needle up with a vein and inserted it, just as she was about to push the syringe in when Costa stepped forward.

"You took too long," he said as he took the syringe away. He reached down and cut the binds from her ankles. "Come on," he said yanking her to her feet, "we're going for a ride."

She stumbled through the building trying to keep up, Costa was moving quickly and her feet wouldn't move fast enough. On several occasions she lost her footing but Costa had a vice like grip on her arm, instead of falling he'd just keep dragging her along. She yelped in pain on more than one occasion, but all Costa did was laugh and they kept going. When they finally made it outside she looked around to try and see where they were, all she saw was open space and trees, they were out of the city but that was all she could tell. They reached the van and he threw her in the back, then he slammed the door and left her.

It was dark in the van, Lindsay looked around to see if there was anything she could use to get away but the van was locked up tight from the outside and there was nothing inside she could use as a weapon. She huddled in the furthest corner and waited. Costa left her there for a long time, the aches in her body got worse and she began to break out in cold sweats, she started shivering uncontrollably but resisted the urge to cry. When Costa finally came back he hopped in the back with her while someone else drove.

"We're going to visit your old neighbourhood," he told her, "I wonder if there will be any friendly faces there."

For hours they drove along, Lindsay never said a word but Costa talked, he threatened her, he taunted her, told her he'd be watching her, told her she'd never be safe. She tried to block out his words, tried to keep track of where they were going instead, what direction they turned, how long they drove before the next turn but after a while she got confused and lost tract. Finally he told the driver to pull over, the van stopped, Costa stood up and walked towards her, she pushed herself into the far corner of the van and tried to kick him when he got close but he was expecting it. He grabbed her legs and pulled her so hard she was on her back in a second. She hit her head as she fell backwards and that moment of dazedness was all Costa needed. With his weight on top of her so she couldn't move he grabbed her and pulled out a needle.

"One last hit for the road," he said as he inserted the needle into her arm and injected the heroin. Then the van door opened and he kicked her outside.

The impact with the ground coincided with the rush hitting her body, everything jarred, she heard something crack, for a moment she lay there waiting for the pain but it didn't come, then she remembered where she was, what she needed to do, what was about to happen to her. She forced herself on to her feet and began walking up the road, one hundred yards ahead she could see a small group of women working the corner, reaching them was all she thought about as she put one foot in front of the other. Walking was difficult, her legs didn't want to work properly; she kept falling down and at one point tried to crawl before forcing herself on to her feet again. She knew if she collapsed on the street without anyone seeing her she would die. Finally when she was thirty yards away one of the women noticed her.

"Hey miss, are you okay?" one of the women called as she began walking towards her. Lindsay tried to answer but her legs gave way beneath her and she fell to her knees. She was still on the ground when the woman reached her. "Miss?"

"Voight," Lindsay said concentrating hard on what she had to say, "Call Hank Voight."

-8-8-8-


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part five. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to anyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Voight drove with lights flashing, Halstead held on tight to the door but he didn't say anything about slowing down. They came around the last corner and saw a small group of women, one was standing she didn't have a jacket, the other three were sitting on the ground, in the middle was Lindsay. She was slumped forward and leaning on one of the women, a jacket draped over her shoulders. Voight reached her first and squatted down in front of her.

"Erin," he said gently placing a hand on her shoulder, she lifted her head and looked at him. He tried hard not to react but he couldn't hide the shock from his face. Her face looked bad, her eyes were almost swollen shut and almost everywhere else was swollen and bruised.

"Hank," she said before letting her head drop again.

Voight felt the anger build inside of him, then he saw the needle marks up her arms and the urgency of the situation increased tenfold. Costa hadn't just beaten her; he'd made her high as a kite as well.

"Halstead, get the blankets out the back of the car," he yelled. Within seconds Halstead was back and wrapping the blankets around Lindsay's shoulders, the woman took her jacket back.

"Do you think you can stand kid?" Voight asked, as he gently began helping her to her feet.

With Voight's assistance, Lindsay managed to stand, she pulled the blanket tighter around, she was conscious of how exposed she was, she didn't want Halstead to see her like this. "You're going to be okay," she heard him say but she didn't acknowledge she'd heard him, she didn't look at him, make eye contact with him. She shuffled her feet along the ground and slid into the back seat of the car. Voight slipped into the seat beside her, she heard him bark an address at Halstead, listened to them have an argument about not going to the hospital, Voight won and the car started moving.

"You're going to be okay kid," Voight said to her as he reached over and squeezed her hand.

She didn't say anything back just lay down on the seat; she rested her head on his lap and closed her eyes.

While they drove Voight called Gabby Dawson, he'd done a favour for her once and ever since then he'd been calling in favours from her. She'd already paid back her debt more than once but this time was different, the favour wasn't for him it was for Lindsay. They argued for a minute before she agreed to meet him at the safe house with some Narcan.

"You've got to stay awake kid," Voight said giving Lindsay a gentle shake, her only response was a moan. By the time they reached the safe house she was barely conscious. Voight lifted her out of the car and felt a sigh of relief when he saw Gabby pulling up right behind them. He told Halstead which keys to use which apartment to head to. He carried her up the stairs and when they stepped inside he headed straight for the bedroom. He lay her down on the bed, the blanket was still wrapped around her, he turned his back, told Halstead to wait outside and Gabby to give her the Narcan.

Gabby loaded a syringe up with a dose of Narcan and pushed back the blanket covering Lindsay's arm, she gulped when she got her first look at Lindsay's injuries, she felt uncomfortable doing this in an isolated apartment but she'd talk to Voight about that later. She injected the drug into Lindsay's arm and a minute later she took a massive gulp of air, became alert, and tried to sit up.

"Hank," she said reaching for Voight's hand, he took her hand and helped her up; he put his arm around her in a gentle hug. "Where are we?" she asked looking around the unfamiliar surroundings.

"Somewhere safe," he told her before turning to Gabby and asking her to wait outside with Halstead. When they were alone in the room he got very serious.

"Costa did this didn't he?" he asked.

"Yes," she nodded, "Costa and a few others."

"What happened?" She closed her eyes and a shiver ran though her body, she didn't want to talk about it. "If I'm going to bury Costa I need to know what happened."

"Please don't make me." She didn't want to relive those days; already she was trying to suppress the memory.

"Okay," Voight said trying to find a compromise which would still get him the information he needed. "You don't need to tell me what happened, but I need to know where you were. I can't bury Costa if I can't find him."

"Alight," she closed her eyes again and tried to visualise the place, tried to remember every detail of the hell hole he'd kept her in. "It was out of the city," she slowly began, "it felt like we drove for hours before we got there. I think it was a barn, it smelt like manure, and the ground was dirt. He kept me in a room; it might have been one of them cells they keep horses in. It was dark a lot of the time. How long have I been gone?"

"Seven days," told her and he gave her hand a little squeeze. "When he brought you back what do you remember?"

"There were trees, I was only outside for a second but all I could see were trees, there weren't any other buildings. We seemed to drive for a long time, I tried to remember where we were going but I couldn't keep track of all the turns. When the van stopped, he gave me a big shot of H and kicked me out, that's where you found me."

"Do you remember anything else?"

"No," she shook her head and tried adjusting her position on the bed. The Narcan was working and the withdrawal symptoms were starting to hit her hard and fast. The pain was coming back at an unbearable rate and she was becoming restless and agitated, her muscles were twitching and she felt like she was going to be sick.

"You did good kid," Voight said as he stood up, he helped her lay down on her side, and placed a kiss on the side of her forehead just near her hair line.

"Hank," she reached out and grabbed his hand as he stepped away, "you're going to bury him right?"

He squeezed her hand and nodded but he didn't say the words outright. "You just rest and get better," he told her instead, "I'm going to send Gabby back in to check you out properly okay."

"Okay," she let go of his hand and watched him walk out the room.

Voight left the room with a renewed feeling of anger and determination. Costa was going to pay, he never should have let him get away with it last time. He left instructions with Gabby and Halstead, Gabby was in charge, Halstead was to do anything Gabby asked him to and under no circumstances was he to speak to Lindsay unless she want to. He left the apartment and radioed everyone to meet him back at the station.

-8-8-8-

Voight was the last to arrive at the station, he saw everyone sitting around as he walked up the stairs.

"Voight what's going on?" Olinsky asked him as he walked through the group.

He asked everyone to come closer then when the group was gathered he began to give everyone the update.

"About an hour ago Costa dropped Lindsay off in the street. She's beat up pretty bad but she'll be okay. She's with Halstead in a safe house. She says she was being held somewhere out of the city, when she was outside all she could see were trees. I want us to go through all the associates again, find out who has connections to property outside the city. The objective hasn't changed we need to find Costa and I believe the key is to find this property. This information stays within the team; I want Intelligence to bring him in." With that he ordered everyone back to work.


	6. Chapter 6

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part six. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to anyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Gabby stepped quietly back into the bedroom and closed the door. Lindsay was curled up on her side shivering under the blanket.

"Hey Erin," Gabby said as she got closer, "I'm Gabby Dawson."

"I know," Lindsay said opening her eyes, "Antonio's sister, we've met before."

"Yeah we have, I wasn't sure you'd remember. Voight wants me to check your injuries is that okay?"

"I guess," Lindsay said as she pushed herself up into a sitting position. The movement made her wince in pain.

Gabby smiled and promised she'd try and be quick and not hurt too much. Starting at her head and moving down Gabby carefully moved her hands over Lindsay's body, mentally noting every wince of pain and obvious deformity. Her preliminary assessment included, facial fractures, a fractured collarbone, dislocated shoulder, at least three possibly more fractured ribs, multiple lacerations, and a lot of general bruising and swelling. Everyone one of the injuries on their own was enough to warrant investigation at a hospital but Lindsay was insistent she didn't want to go to a hospital just yet and as she pointed out the injuries were already a week old, a few more days wouldn't hurt. There was also the issue of the large amount of heroin in her system, for reasons she couldn't quite articulate she wanted to detox cold turkey away from the hospital.

Gabby tried to argue the point but, she knew the situation was more complex then she could see, Lindsay wasn't going to change her mind so instead Gabby made a shopping list of all the things they were going to need and sent Jay out to go buy, clothes, food, toiletries and medical supplies. Then she sat herself down on a chair by the bed to make sure Lindsay didn't start overdosing again.

-8-8-8-

The pain was starting to seep away, the cramps and spasms were coming less often, the Narcan was finally starting to wear off. Erin let her body relax and she concentrated on her breathing. In and out she thought, testing to see how far she could go before it started hurting.

Gabby saw the change in Erin's postured, the tension leave her face and body. She watched her breathing and began to take her resp rate. She had the next dose of Narcan ready to go but she didn't want to give it too soon, she wanted to give Erin a break from the pain. Another twenty minutes passed, her resps were down to ten a minute.

Gabby stood up, walked over to the bed, pulled the blanket back just enough and injected the drug into Erin's arm.

Erin opened her eyes. "What did you do that for?" she asked.

"You were ODing again." Gabby said as she sat down.

"Oh," she rolled onto her back, stretched her legs out. "I wish you hadn't done that."

"You don't mean that," Gabby said as she pulled her chair a little closer, "besides Voight would kill me if I sat here and watched you overdoes."

"Hank, he's soft," she rolled back onto her side and pulled her legs to her chest, the cramps were already starting to come back. "Have you ever watched someone go through heroin withdrawal before?"

"No, but I've read about it."

"Read about it? In text books?" Erin began to move her legs up and down as she talked. "I've read those books too, trust me they don't do it justice." She kicked her legs hard and rolled back onto her back. The pain was bad and she couldn't find a comfortable position.

"When Jay gets back I could sling that arm for you. It might help with the shoulder pain."

"Sure but what are you going to do about the rest of it." The shoulder was only one of many sources of pain.

For the next hour Erin tossed and turned and kicked and shivered, no position was comfortable, nothing made the pain go away for more than a fleeting second. She made Gabby talk, tell stories about Antonio as a kid, anything to try and distract her. At some point the pain began to lessen, the cramps lost some of their intensity. Gabby started loading another syringe with Narcan.

"Please don't," Erin asked, "I'm okay see, I'm still talking to you. I don't need anymore."

The door to the apartment opened and closed. "Okay," Gabby said putting the syringe down. "Not yet, I'll be back soon."

-8-8-8-

Jay walked into the apartment carrying a dozen shopping bags. He placed them on the ground as Gabby walked out of the bedroom.

"How is she?" he asked.

"In need of a hospital," Gabby said walking towards him, "but she refuses to go."

"Do you want me to talk to her?" Jay asked, "Maybe I can get her to change her mind."

"No," Gabby said drawing her attention to the shopping bags, "she's made up her mind. Did you get all the stuff?"

"Yes, everything on the list and then some."

"Good," she began looking through the bags, "I need the bread, peanut butter, Gatorade, soap and where are the clothes?"

"Here," Jay handed her a bag, and then handed her a plate with a knife and spoon on it.

"Thanks," Gabby picked up everything she needed to take back to the room, "How about you make yourself useful and cook dinner."

Jay watched Gabby walk back into the bedroom. He wanted to follow her, he wanted to do more to help, being errand boy and cook didn't really sit well with him, he was an action type. But he also knew there was method to Voight's madness, leaving Erin alone right now wasn't an option and he had to believe there was a good reason why they weren't at a hospital.

Erin sat up in the bed waiting for Gabby to come back. She could hear her talking to Jay but she couldn't make out what they were saying.

Gabby walked back into the room, she'd read somewhere that peanut butter and bread was supposed to be good when going through withdrawal, that and chicken soup which was in one of the other bags. She wasn't sure if Erin would want either but she had to try and get her to eat something.

"Jay brought you some clothes," Gabby said placing the bag on the bed. Erin picked it up and began pulling everything out; there were tights and tops, sweat pants, singlets, a jacket, socks, and even briefs. Jay had done well she thought as she put most of it back in the bag.

"What else did he bring?"

"Food, are you hungry?" Gabby twisted the lid on the jar of peanut butter and offered it.

"No," Erin replied but she took the jar anyway, she reached for a spoon and used it to scoop some out. She wasn't hungry but she knew she needed to eat something. She couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten anything. She put the spoon to her mouth and slowly sucked on the peanut butter. Gabby handed her a bottle of Gatorade and a piece of bread, she took some sips of the drink and ate half the slice of bread. The food didn't really make her feel better but for now she was keeping it down.

"Did you want to take a shower? There are towels in the bathroom and now we have soap."

Gabby held out the bottle and Erin took it. Now that she was feeling a little better and had clothes to put on a shower seemed like a great idea.

"I'll give you some privacy," Gabby said standing up. "Call out if you need anything and don't lock the door. I'll be checking in on you."

Gabby walked out the room and Erin picked up the clothes. She carried them to the bathroom and left them sitting by the basin with the towels. The bathroom was tiny and simple, toilet, shower, and hand basin. There was a small mirror above the basin, for a moment she caught a look at her reflection, the face looking back at her was unrecognisable, she looked away and made a note not to look at herself again.

She turned the water on and made it run hot, as hot as she could stand and then she stepped underneath the flow. She felt the coldness leave her body, the chills subside, she used the soap to clean herself as best she could, she couldn't reach her back but that was okay. After a few minutes she sat on the floor, closed her eyes and just let the water run over her.

Gabby sat down in the kitchen and watched Jay prepare dinner. The packet he'd emptied into a pan with some chicken said butter chicken, in another pan he was cooking some rice. The complete lack of vegetables in the meal made her smile, he was making a man's dinner that was for sure. They talked a little as the meal simmered, Jay asked about Erin. Gabby told him what she knew, but she didn't know much, neither of them knew what had happened, what exactly Erin had gone through but based on her injuries alone they knew it was pretty horrific. They both agreed that Erin should really be in the hospital but accepted there was something going on between her and Voight and they wouldn't push the point too much. Gabby talked about her and Casey and the apartment they'd just got, about the training she was doing to become a firefighter. She asked Jay if there was anyone special in his life, he was about to open up and talk about someone when he stopped midsentence. Erin was standing in the doorway wearing the clothes he'd brought her.

"What are you cooking?" She asked walking slowly towards them. She looked a little better than before but still not good, he could tell she was in pain.

"Butter chicken," he said tasting some of the sauce. "Do you want some?"

"Just a little," she said sitting down next to Gabby. The shower had left her feeling clean and the nausea hadn't set back in. Now was going to be the last time she could eat while still feeling partly human.

Jay dished her up a small bowl and bigger bowls for himself and Gabby. They ate in silence and when she was done she placed the bowl down and began slowly pacing the room. She was trying to mentally prepare herself for what she was about to go through. She'd done it before, and it had been the most painful excruciating experience of her life, she was afraid this time was going to be worse. Not only was she going to be dealing with the pain of withdrawal but she was going to be dealing with the very real pain of her injuries.

"It's not too late to go to the hospital." Gabby said sensing her anxiety.

"No hospital, not yet," she said shaking her head and she sat down on the sofa, turned on the TV. She found a movie to watch and it was as the movie was drawing to a close the withdrawal symptoms started showing their ugly head.

Muscle cramps, chills, sweats, incredible fatigue but the inability to sleep. For the next three days she endured the pain, rotating her time between pacing the rooms, watching TV, laying on the bed, and huddling under the shower. Jay and Gabby did the best they could to help her, Gabby held her hair when she was sick, Jay massaged her legs when the cramping became too much for her to stand. They both made her eat and drink, she never wanted to but they both said she had to, most of the time she couldn't keep the food down but they made her keep trying. The only place she felt partly human was the shower, the hot water seemed to sooth her better than anything else, she wished the apartment had a bath that would have been even better. Once or twice a day Voight would phone to check in on her but he never came to visit.


	7. Chapter 7

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part seven. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to anyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

The search for Costa had been going on for over a week. It had been three days since he'd dumped Lindsay in the middle of the road. Voight and his team had been chasing one dead end after another, they'd raided two properties already but they'd both been empty when they arrived. Now they were setting up to raid a third. Everybody was on edge, everybody knew how important it was to find this man. Voight wanted blood, he hadn't so much said it out loud but you'd have to be deaf and blind not to see it. Antonio was worried about that; the good cop in him didn't want to let Voight get away with murder but no one else in the team seemed at all concerned.

"Don't worry about Voight," Olinsky told him, "it'll be a good shot."

They had called in the assistance of SWAT and the feds for this final raid, it felt good, the intel they had seemed right. They were spreading out around the house, flanking it in every direction. Voight was taking the lead, Antonio had his back, Olinsky and Ruzek were coming in from the other side.

"Police!" Voight yelled kicking open another door. His heart was racing, he had to do this right, he didn't want Costa going to goal again but he needed to make it look good. "Costa Del Torro come out we have you surrounded." He called moving further into the building. Antonio had his back, together they moved deeper into the house, then they heard shots fired.

Chaos seemed to breakout everywhere, there was yelling and screaming and shots going off. Voight and Antonio run through the last two doors but, by the time they arrived, everything had stopped. Costa lay dead in the middle of the floor, on the other side of the room stood Olinsky, Ruzek and two SWAT offices.

"It was a good shot," Olinsky said, as if that was the only explanation required. Voight nodded in acknowledgement of what Olinsky had just done then radioed in for back up, for the crime scene teams to come in and clean up and catalogue the mess.

-8-8-8-

Lindsay lay down on the bed curled up in the foetal position; she had the blankets pulled tightly around her and her eyes closed. She was trying to sleep but her body wouldn't let her shut down, her mind wouldn't stop racing and the shivers wouldn't stop. She was going through the worse of it and beginning to lose her resolve, she didn't want to keep doing this but, she knew if she could make it through the next twelve hours it would start to get better. In the other room the TV was on, she heard a phone ring and then there was a gentle knock on the door. The door opened and Gabby walked in.

"Hank's, on the phone," she said, "he wants to talk to you." Gabby handed her the phone and left the room.

"Hey," she said lifting the phone to her ear.

"Costa's dead." He said getting straight to the point. "Get yourself to a hospital, I'll tell you more when I see you."

He hung up the phone before she even had time to respond, before she had a chance to ask how, who and when. They were questions that didn't really matter but she wanted to know the answer to. For ten minutes she continued to lay on the bed taking in the information, then she pulled herself onto her feet and walked out.

"We can go to the hospital now," she said when she reached the other room.

Lindsay walked into the hospital with Jay and Gabby flanking her on either side. Jay used his badge, Gabby used her contacts at the hospital, they got her out of the waiting room and into a bed within a matter of minutes instead of hours.

Once in the room they still had to wait, it was half an hour before an older female doctor came in to do an examination. Jay left the room without being asked, said he was going to buy coffee, Gabby stayed. The doctor began a slow methodical examination, starting at the head and working her way down. She made notes, asked questions as she went.

"These injuries don't look fresh, how long ago did they happen?" she asked noting bruises in various stages of healing.

"Just over a week ago, I think." Lindsay said as the doctor poked her face. She heard a scraping of bone and pulled back in pain.

"Sorry," the doctor said beckoning for her to come closer again. "I won't touch that anymore. There's something in there broken. We'll get it x-rayed. Would you like something for the pain?"

Yes she thought, she really wanted to take something for the pain but she said "No." She'd started to detox, she wanted to finish. The doctor was gentle but it still hurt. Her shoulder was the worst of it, for the last few days she'd made the pain bearable by keeping it completely immobile but the doctor wanted to assess the injury. She cut away the bandages Gabby had so carefully wrapped around it, then she poked it and made her try and move it.

"I'll get someone from orthopaedics to come down and look at that," she said, "We might be able to reduce some of your pain by relocating the shoulder."

Moving down her body the doctor noted the broken ribs, the all over grazes, and the deep bruising around her liver and kidneys. Some of the grazes were infected; she began cleaning then, ordered her IV antibiotics, and x-rays of her face, shoulder, and chest.

Jay came back in as the doctor was leaving; he had coffee for each of them. Lindsay took hers and gratefully sipped the warm milky liquid. She didn't like the hospital, they made her feel uncomfortable in ways the apartment never would, if it was only the heroin she needed to work out her system she would have stayed at the apartment, but the other injuries meant she was going to have to see a doctor eventually.

A couple of orthopaedic doctors arrived twenty minutes later. They took one look at her shoulder and said it needed to be relocated. They told her it was going to hurt and offered her painkillers, she said no but they kept asking, just as her resolve was going to crack Jay stepped in and told them no. He offered her his hand to hold on to but she told him no.

"I don't want you to have a broken hand too," she said trying to smile. He nodded back to her and handed her a stress ball and a wad of bed sheet to bite down on. The doctors positioned themselves, counted down and then began pulling on her arm. She bit down hard on the sheet, it hurt so much she wanted to scream but within seconds she couldn't breathe. She spat the sheet out and began breathing very fast through her mouth. The doctors kept telling her she needed to try and relax but that was becoming increasingly difficulty. A cold sweat covered her entire body and her heart was racing. They were only pulling on her arm for a few minutes but it felt like an eternity. They were about to stop and reassess when the pain became too much, she passed out and for the briefest moment all her muscles relaxed. Her shoulder slipped back into place, the doctor rested her arm by her side and gave her some oxygen to help bring her too. They left and said they'd be back after her x-rays were taken.

They made her wait another hour before they took her up for x-rays, when they were done she was taken to a private room. The room was nicer than the emergency department but it was still a hospital room. Jay and Gabby were there waiting for her. As soon as the nurse and orderly had left the room they helped her out the bed and let her walk laps of the room. She was going through the worst of the withdrawal, and her resolve was being tested, more than anything she wanted to make the pain stop. Getting another hit would be easy, she wouldn't even have to lie or deceive anyone to get it. She was in pain; she'd already been offered painkillers twice. If they kept offering them to her she wasn't sure how long she'd be able to keep the refusal up.

When the doctors came back they told her she was going to need surgery to fix her shoulder and her face, they told her she should try and get some rest and again offered her something for the pain. She got mad at them that time, told them to stop offering them to her, that she didn't want them. She hadn't explicitly told them why she didn't want them, so far her history as an addict was conveniently out of her medical records and she wanted it to stay that way. Eventually they seemed to get the message or at least they left her alone.

-8-8-8-

Voight was anxious to get to the hospital and see Lindsay, the conversation he'd had with her had been less than a minute. He hadn't given her time to say how she felt; he hadn't given her any of the details. At the time that was what was required, long conversations weren't possible and technically him even calling her was breaking policy but she needed to know it was over and he wanted her to get to a hospital. She'd been in such bad shape when he'd last seen her, he'd second guessed his decision to not encourage her to go to the hospital sooner but Gabby had assured him she was doing okay, that she was getting better and Lindsay when he spoke to her she sounded okay. He wanted to see her now but he couldn't skimp on the paperwork for this case. He was almost certain there would be an investigation into his handling of the investigation. He'd crossed very much into the grey area of policing but he'd got results. Costa was dead; Lindsay was safe, as far as he was concerned that was all that mattered. He checked his watch, it had been four hours since he'd spoken to Lindsay, his report was finally done though, he filed it away and packed up his things. The rest of the squad were still working on their reports, he told them to take the night off when they were done and he walked out the building.


	8. Chapter 8

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part eight. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you, it's a great motivation for posting the parts quicker. Thank you to anyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Erin glanced at the clock on the wall, it was getting late. Gabby had left a few hours ago but Jay was still there, he was staring up at her TV, a movie was playing but she didn't know what. She couldn't concentrate enough to watch a movie, she felt so sick and was so tired but she couldn't go to sleep until Voight came. She'd expected him hours ago, she'd thought he'd come straight to the hospital but it was obvious he'd gone somewhere else first. She needed to know what happened, she needed to know Costa wasn't going to come back; she needed to know she was safe.

Jay glanced at his watch and then back at the TV. It was getting late, soon the nurses would tell him visiting hours were over and he needed to leave. Really he should have left hours ago but he didn't feel right leaving Erin alone. He could tell the tough act she was giving was just a façade, there was something else going behind all that.

Someone knocked on the door as they pushed it open.

"Erin?" Voight said stepping into the room.

"Hank?" Erin said pushing herself up in the bed.

Jay watched as Voight closed the door behind him and walked into the room. He held out his arms and embraced Erin in a hug. As he held her the tension seemed to leave her body, for the first time ever Jay saw Erin relax completely.

"It's okay, you're safe, it's over, he's gone." He heard Voight say and as he looked closer he saw tears slowly trickling down her face.

He suddenly felt like he was intruding on something private, that he was the third wheel in a family reunion.

"I'm going to head off. I'll see you tomorrow." He said grabbing his bag and walking out the room.

The first time Voight noticed Halstead was in the room was the moment he said he was leaving. He gave some kind of grunt in response but that was all. He kept holding Erin until she began to pull away.

"What happened," she asked as she wiped tears away with the back of her hand. "Is Costa really gone?"

"Yes," Voight said giving her a nod. "When we found him he came out guns blazing. Al put one straight between his eyes. He dropped in a second. He can't hurt you again."

"Oh,"

"Oh? Is that all you have to say?"

"I'd hoped he might have suffered a bit."

"Me too kid, but it didn't work out that way. The feds were with us when we took him down. If they'd taken him alive he'd still be alive. In a way we were lucky he had the guns, if he'd gone peacefully it wouldn't be over."

"I guess," Erin lay back down against the bed and closed her eyes for a second. She was disappointed Costa had got the easy way out, there was no suffering to a bullet to the head, unlike the torture he'd inflicted on her. Between the broken bones, lacerations, bruising and finally the drugs this was a long way from being over for her.

-8-8-8-

Erin lay awake most of the night, she wanted to sleep, she tried to sleep, she was so incredibly exhausted but her body wouldn't let her. The muscle cramps, and spasms, twitching, hot and cold sweats, nausea, it all kept her awake, all stopped her from relaxing.

Early in the morning a young doctor came in to see her with consent forms for the surgery. He explained what she was signing but she only comprehended and followed half of it. She didn't need to know how they were fixing her just that they were. Then he handed her some pills and told her to take them.

"What are they?" she asked looking at the pills.

"A pre-med," the doctor told her, "it'll help you relax."

"Oh," she thought about taking it, it would be easy to take it, the thought of finally relaxing appealed to her but she didn't. "I don't want it," she said handing the pills back.

An hour later they came and took her up for surgery, she told someone she didn't want pain meds. They said okay the next thing she knew they were putting her under.

-8-8-8-

'They've given me something,' was the first thing Erin thought of as she woke from surgery, as she became aware of the significant lack of pain in her shoulder and everywhere else for that matter. It didn't hurt to breath, her ribs were still broken but it didn't hurt. Inside herself she cursed but it was too late to do anything about it, the detox she'd been suffering through for the last three days was over, she was going to have to start everything again.

When the doctor came she asked him about it, he said he couldn't do the surgery without giving her something. When he asked her why she was so worried, she couldn't tell him the truth, she just said she'd heard some bad stuff about them. He told her not to worry about it, that they'd make sure she didn't take too much. She said okay and she put her trust in the doctors, the truth was she liked the way the drugs made her feel and she didn't like the thought of going through withdrawal again.

Three days she spent in hospital, she let the doctors' dish out pain meds to her with her antibiotics. She quickly realised the doctor was right about not giving her too much, soon she was going through a less intense withdrawal. If Voight or Jay, or anyone else from the station noticed they didn't say anything. They just hung out with her, tried to keep her company and make sure she was okay. She kept telling everyone she was fine, she didn't want everyone worrying about her or being up in her business but the truth was she was far from fine. Every time she fell asleep she was back there with Costa in a cold dark room.

When the doctors finally told her she was ready for discharge, her first feeling was relief, hospitals were not her favourite place but as she signed all the paperwork, met with a physical therapist to plan a rehab program for her shoulder, and was given her bottle of discharge medications, a dark cloud of apprehension began to fall over her. Jay offered to give her a ride back to her place, Voight offered to let her stay at his. She took Jay up on his offer and said thanks but no thanks to Voight. She needed to get home, she wanted to get back to her apartment but she hadn't anticipated the feelings she'd have once she was there.

Everything was the same but completely different. The security she'd once felt was gone, replacing it was a feeling of anxiety. Slowly she walked through every room, someone had been through the place and cleaned it, changed the locks. The bathroom smelt like bleach and the pillows on her bed were arranged wrong.

"Are you okay?" Jay asked coming to stand in the doorway behind her.

"Yeah," she said tearing her eyes away from the bathroom and walking past him back to the kitchen. She went to the cupboard and pulled out can of soup. "I'd invite you for dinner but all I've got is a can of soup," she said while she began looking for the can opener.

Jay watched Erin move around her apartment, he could tell something was wrong, he could hear it in the way she talked, see it in the way she moved.

"I could go get some Indian from that place down the road," he offered.

"No it's fine," she said as she pulled the can opener out the draw. "You don't have to stay. I'm okay."

"Erin."

"Really I'm fine," with the can opener still in her hand she began to walk towards him. "Thanks for the ride. You can go now."

She began directing him toward the door, pushing to move him along. She opened the door, he paused in the doorway. "Erin, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes," she said and she pushed him out.

"I'll stop by tomorrow," he said as she closed the door in his face. He heard the deadbolt click, the chain get drawn into place. He walked away, still not feeling like it was the right thing to do but it was what she wanted.

Alone in her apartment, Erin went back to the kitchen, she tried to open the can of soup but quickly realised it was a two handed operation and she only had one hand. Feeling frustrated she put the soup and the can opener away and went to the fridge. She pulled out a bottle of beer, went to the lounge, sat down on the sofa and tuned on the TV.

She tried to relax and focus on the movie she found to watch but her protective instincts were in overdrive, the slightest noise made her jump and after twenty minutes she found herself getting up to check the deadbolt was still in place. The door was still locked; she told herself she was being silly, there was no one but her in the apartment. Still she couldn't relax, she went to her safe and pulled out her second gun, she checked it was loaded and brought it back to the lounge, she sat it on the table beside her but still couldn't relax. She didn't sleep that night; instead she sat staring at the TV watching late night talk shows and infomercials. When Jay arrived the next morning with coffee and doughnuts she was still wearing the same clothes.


	9. Chapter 9

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part nine. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to anyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated, I like knowing people are enjoying the read. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

The coffee and doughnuts was just the ice breaker, something to occupy their hands and mouths when they didn't want to talk. Erin wasn't talking, she was withdrawing in on herself and it made Jay worried. He could tell something was wrong, he could see it in the dark rings under her eyes, in the three bottles of beer and the loaded hand gun sitting on the coffee table. The gun wasn't her department issued one, that one he knew was in the safe at the station, this was a different one, he didn't know she owned a spear. He made a choice not to say anything right then, if he pushed too hard she might withdraw even further, at least now they were talking about other things, she was letting him into the apartment.

"What are your plans for today?" he asked, trying for light conversation.

"I don't know," she said sipping slowly on the coffee. "I might go for a walk, I don't think I could stay in this apartment all day."

"A walk is a good idea," Jay replied with a smile, "Get the blood moving."

"Yeah," she took another bite of a doughnut, she wasn't in the mood for an in depth conversation. Silence lingered before Jay finally made the decision to leave.

"I should get going," he said standing up. "They're expecting my down at the station. I'll bring dinner over tonight okay."

"You don't have to do that," she said walking him to the door, "I can get my own dinner."

"I know, but I want to." He opened the door and stepped outside. "I'll see you tonight okay."

"Okay," she closed the door behind him, twisted the dead bolt, slipped the chain. She went back to the kitchen and finished her coffee and doughnut, took her medications. The food and caffeine, made her feel better, not good, but better than she had been.

She went to her bedroom and found clothes for the day. Today would be better she told herself, the walk was a good idea, she'd thought of it on the fly but now it seemed like something she really should do. She went to the bathroom and carefully removed the sling bracing her arm to her body. It was design to be done with one hand, all the fastening were Velcro but it was still awkward, even the slightest of movements of her shoulder sent pain shooting over her body. It took longer than it should but eventually the sling was off and so was the shirt she'd been wearing since yesterday morning.

She adjusted the shower and stepped under the warm water, she closed her eyes and let the water run all over her face. For a couple of minutes the shower was amazing and then she thought she heard something and her heart started racing. She tried to talk herself down, she wanted to finish her shower but the more she tried the worse it got. The water was warm but she could feel her body breaking out in a cold sweat, her chest felt like it was being crushed and she couldn't breath. She turned the water off, wrapped a towel around her body, and got out the bathroom as quick as she could. She checked the whole apartment, the door was still locked, there was no one else there. Slowly the panic went away, her heart rate slowed down and her breathing levelled.

She'd had a panic attack, it shouldn't have surprised her, she'd had them before, years ago right after Voight had taken her in but it left her feeling shaken and uncomfortable. Getting out the apartment now wasn't so much a good idea but a must, she dressed quickly, and forced herself back into the bathroom to get her sling, as much as she'd love to not wear the stupid thing she knew it was a must if she wanted the shoulder to heal. With a thin jacket, boots, a beanie, and gloves she left the apartment and started walking.

She walked for hours along the streets of her neighbourhood; she had no real destination in mind she just wanted to keep moving. The uneasy feeling left by the panic attack lingered in her body, on more than one occasion she found herself jumping at unexpected noises but she found if she kept moving the fear would subside quicker, she knew she wasn't in any danger, Costa was gone, the vendetta he had against her settled. He'd said once he wanted to destroy her, if she let the fear rule her he'd win, that wasn't going to be an option.

At lunch time she found a diner, she ordered coffee and pizza and sat down at the front counter. It was a slow day and the owner working the counter started talking to her. The woman was middle aged and had a mother vibe about her. As the woman kept filling her coffee mug she found herself opening up about everything. She told her what happened, and how it made her feel. She told her things she would never tell Voight and didn't want to tell Jay. She talked about Jay, how she felt smothered by how much he seemed to care about her but at the same time how grateful she was for him being there. The hours dragged on and at dinner time her phone started ringing. Jay was calling her.

"Erin, where are you?" Jay asked, "I'm at your apartment."

"I went for a walk, I'm at a diner." She had to ask the woman for the address but once she had it she gave it to Jay.

"I'm coming to pick you up, I'll be there soon." He told her before hanging up.

"Talk to your partner," the woman behind the counter told her. "If you're only going to take one piece of my advice take that. He obviously cares about you, trust him, talk to him."

"Thanks," she said as she paid her tab and went outside to wait.

-8-8-8-

Jay was worried about Erin but he didn't want to let it show too much, he didn't want to push her for fear of her pulling away from him completely. She was slowly opening up to him, she was letting him in, even if it was just physically into the apartment, she wasn't pushing him away. He heated up the Chinese takeaway he'd brought with him and they talked about their days. She wanted to know all about the work with the unit, she wanted to know about the cases they were working on, what was happening. He could tell she was hanging out to get back to work, to be back with everyone. He asked her about the diner, how she got there, she told him about her walk, about walking until she was hungry and then finding the place so nice she didn't want to leave.

What she didn't tell Jay was about the panic attack, about the anxiety she was feeling, she was still hoping she could beat that on her own. When it was time for him to leave she told him goodnight, he said he'd be back in the morning, she didn't try and tell him to not come, just pushed him out the door and locked it. She was exhausted, she lay down in bed but sleep wouldn't come. The caffeine from the diner was still running through her system and after lying awake in bed for too long she found herself needing to get back up to check the door was still locked. She'd never noticed before how noisy an empty apartment could be. It was well after midnight when sleep finally came, she drifted off but less than an hour later she woke up, heart racing, body covered in a cold sweat, she'd been dreaming about Costa, she'd been back in his warehouse and he'd been torturing her. She lay awake in bed, her whole body shaking, it was just a dream, he couldn't hurt her she told herself but the dream had been real enough, her skin prickled where he'd touched her and her shoulder was throbbing more than ever. It took an hour for her to fall asleep again and no sooner had she done it the nightmare started again. This time she decided she wasn't going back to sleep again. Instead she got up, made herself some coffee and turned on the TV.


	10. Chapter 10

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part ten. I think this is about the halfway mark for the story. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to anyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated, it is nice to know people are enjoying the read. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

The first thing Jay noticed when Erin opened the door was the increasing size of the dark rings under her eyes. She grabbed the coffee he held and took a sip before she'd even said 'morning'.

"Not sleeping well?" he asked looking around her apartment.

"No," she replied as she took the paper bag from his hand. Inside it had egg and bacon breakfast bagels. She sat down at the kitchen table and started eating. He sat down at the table with her and pulled out the other bagel.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" he asked taking a bite of the bagel. She looked away from him and took another bite. He watched her eat, waited for her to answer. "Erin, what's wrong?" He watched her pause, swallow.

"I have nightmares," she finally said, "when I go to sleep, it's like I'm back there. Costa he…" she stopped short of actually describing what Costa did to her in the dreams but Jay could fill in the blanks.

"He can't hurt you," he said reaching out for her.

"I know," she said looking at him, "I know he's gone that's why I can't sleep, when I sleep he comes back. In my dreams he's as real as you and me. When I wake up I can still smell him, I can still feel where he's touched me."

"Erin," Jay moved his chair closer to her, "have you told anyone else this?"

"No," she said taking another sip of the coffee, "don't you tell anyone."

"I won't but Erin you need to sleep." He reached out took her hand and squeezed. "Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want to stay at my place a few days, or I could stay here, maybe having someone else in the house will help. I could sleep on the sofa."

"I'll think about," she said pulling her hand away, "Thanks for breakfast."

"No worries," Jay said standing up, it was time for him to get to work. "I'll come by again tonight, and phone me if you need anything."

"I will," she and locked the door behind him.

She walked back into the kitchen finished her coffee took her medication and began cleaning up, she hated the way she was feeling, she didn't want to be venerable, she didn't want to be exhausted, she wanted to feel normal again. She changed her clothes and left the house, she caught a taxi to the hospital and went and found her doctor. She told him how she was feeling, about the anxiety and nightmares, he seemed to care but he didn't help. When she left his office she had prescriptions for painkillers, sleep aids, and anti-anxiety meds, as well as a referral to a psychiatrist. She made the call to the psychiatrist, he didn't have any opening in his schedule for eight weeks, she threw the psychiatrist's number in the bin. He'd been a waste of time in fact the whole experience was a waste of time, now she felt frustrated and worse than before.

When the taxi arrived she gave the driver the address for the station, she wasn't ready to go home yet, she thought being around work might help. But when she arrived the whole unit was out of the office, she read their case board, wondered around for a bit but it was the people and the cases she wanted, not an empty room with only half the story. She went back down the stairs and was going to leave when Sargent Platt called out to her, the woman asked her to stay, to hang out with her for a bit. Reluctantly she took a seat behind the desk with the Sargent. She still didn't quite know what to make of the desk Sargent, the woman ran a tight ship, she was hard on the patrol officers she managed but she was kind as well. When she wasn't giving out orders she talked to Lindsay, asked her how she was doing, when she thought she'd be back. At first she just gave her the standard short answers, the answers she gave everyone when they asked but as the time went on, Platt started talking about herself as well, about the time she got shot on the job and how she ended up behind the desk. And somehow she found herself telling Platt about her shoulder, about her fear that it wasn't going to heal properly, that she'd never be able to hold a gun again. She found herself telling Platt she couldn't sleep, and Platt started telling her about sleeping pills, she'd taken them herself from time to time and they worked well. She admitted there were a few times in her life where they'd helped her get through and they weren't habit forming, just taking them a couple of nights was enough to get her body working right.

By the time she left the station, Platt had her convinced she should try the sleeping pills. On her way home she stopped at a pharmacy and got the script filled.

-8-8-8-

Jay arrived at Erin's earlier than expected. Instead of buying takeaway he was going to cook for her. He held a bag with the ingredients for spaghetti bolognaises in his hand and he banged on the door. Erin didn't answer; he knocked again, but still no answer. He tried phoning her, he thought maybe she'd gone walking again but he could hear her phone ringing inside the apartment. He knocked again, waited, he was about to walk away when he heard something bang inside the apartment.

"Erin, it's me Jay," he called knocking once more. He heard the bang again and then thought he heard someone call for help. "Erin!" He pulled out his keys and unlocked her door. He wasn't supposed to have a key, Erin didn't know he had it but when he'd got the locks changed for her, he'd kept one just in case. He pushed the door open but the chain grabbed. "Shit," he swore to himself, with the door partly open, he could defiantly hear something going on inside, Erin was home and something wasn't right. "Erin," he called through the door but she still didn't answer. He pushed at the door trying to dislodge or break the chain but it was a good chain, he'd brought it, it wasn't designed to break. He dropped his bags and ran back to his car, from his trunk he pulled out a pair of bolt cutters and ran back up stairs. He cut the chain and pushed his way into the apartment.

"Erin," he called walking into the apartment. He heard the crash again, it was coming from the bedroom. "Erin," he called as he pushed open the door. She was lying in bed, asleep, her eyes were closed but her arms and legs were flaying and she was making incomprehensible sounds. Nightmares, he thought as he ran to her side and started trying to shake her awake. She was difficult to rouse, she didn't seem able to wake up but then her eyes flew open and her arms and legs fell still. She looked him straight in the eye but it seemed to take a moment for the recognition to set in.

"You were having a nightmare," he said sitting down beside her on the edge of the bed. "He can't hurt you."

He helped her sit up and pulled her to his side; he wrapped his arms around her and gently rocked. For a long time she didn't say anything, she let him rock her while her heart rate slowly returned to normal. He talked soft words to her but he was worried about what he was saying, as much as it was just a dream in that moment it was very real to her.

-8-8-8-

Erin listened to the steady beat of Jay's heart, gradually her own heart slowed to the same beat and the shaking stopped. She felt cold and numb and a shiver ran through her body. Jay pulled the blankets up around her and kept whispering calming words. She couldn't follow what he was saying but she didn't really care. She was grateful for his presence, grateful someone had woken her from that terrifying dream.

Eventually her senses returned and she realised Jay was in her apartment.

"How did you get inside?" she asked, feeling almost scared of the answer.

"When I changed the locks I kept a key and then I used bolt cutters to cut the chain."

"Oh," if it had been any other time she would have been mad as hell at him but now all she felt was numb.

"I know I shouldn't have kept it but I wanted to be able to get in in an emergency. I was afraid something like this might happen."

"Okay," she wasn't going to get mad at him, not now; she was too grateful that he was here in the first place. She let out a long slow breath and tried to think what to do next. More than anything she wanted this to stop; she wanted to feel normal again.

"I brought the stuff to make spaghetti bolognaise for dinner." Jay finally said to break the silence. "How about you go have a shower and get cleaned up and I'll start cooking."

She tensed up at the thought of going back into that bathroom. She'd been avoiding it since the panic attack, only going inside when she really had to and never turning on the shower. Jay seemed to sense her fear. "I'll be in the apartment the whole time," he told her, "if you hear anything, think you hear anything, just tell yourself it was me. I'm the one inside making noise."

"Okay," he helped her stand and gave her a smile.

"I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything," he said before walking out the room.


	11. Chapter 11

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part eleven. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to anyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated, it is nice to know people are enjoying the read. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Jay picked up his shopping from where he'd dropped it by the door and took it to the kitchen. He began preparing dinner while he tried to think what else he could do. He hated seeing Erin like this, she'd always been so strong and in control and now she was struggling in ways he could only imagine. She'd never told him the full story, he didn't know exactly what Costa had done to her but he knew enough. He wanted to help her, what he was doing didn't feel like enough but he didn't know what else to do. He was still thinking on that when there was a knock at the door.

His first thought was 'I hope Erin didn't hear that'. He walked to the door before the person could knock again. He checked the peep hole and saw Voight standing on the other side. He opened the door and let his boss inside.

"Voight," he said as his only greeting.

"Halstead, what are you doing here?" he asked, he looked surprised to see him there.

"Cooking dinner," he said as he turned and walked back to the kitchen. He went back to stirring his sauce, making sure it didn't burn.

"Where's Erin?" Voight asked looking around the apartment.

"Taking a shower." Jay said, looking straight at Voight, if the older man was going to try and accuse him of something he wanted to see it coming. "She'll be out soon."

"Okay," Voight said looking a little uncomfortable. Him and Halstead weren't friends, they were co-workers, they got along but they didn't go out for beers. "How's she doing?" Voight finally asked.

"Okay," Jay said, wondering how much of what Erin had confided in him he should tell Voight. Voight wasn't just their boss, he was also the closest thing Erin had to a father, it complicated things a little.

"Platt said she stopped by the station today. She suggested I ask her back to work. Do you think she'd ready?"

"I think it'll help her," he said not answering the question, he didn't really think she was ready to be back on the road, but at the same time he thought it might help her and he didn't want to be the person preventing that. "You'll have to ask her if she's ready."

Voight nodded and shifted his weight uncomfortably, he opened one of the beers he'd brought with him and took a long sip. He held the six pack out but Jay shook his head. He didn't want to drink beer right now.

"Remember the conversation we had," Voight finally said. Jay looked up from his cooking and straight at Voight, this was the accusation he'd been waiting for.

"Yeah," Jay replied, "what of it?"

"Nothing has changed, Erin is still off limits."

"I know," Jay said not dropping eye contact. "We're friends; she needs friends now, not complications."

"Good," Voight said taking another sip of beer. Jay went back to cooking; they didn't say another word until Erin came into the room.

-8-8-8-

"Jay can you help me with this?" Erin said walking into the room, she'd changed into a pair of black leggings, and a white singlet, her hair was still wet from the shower and in her arms she carried a grey fleece jacket and her arm sling.

"I'll help," Voight said putting his beer down and stepping forward.

Erin froze, "Hank," she said while mentally telling herself not to panic, it wasn't so much Voight that set her heart racing, Voight was family he wasn't going to hurt her, it was more the fact someone was in her apartment and she didn't know about it. "What are you doing here?" she asked finally getting her mind clicking over.

"I came to see how you're going. How are you?"

"Okay," she said handing him the sling. Carefully he helped her put it on, making sure her arm was tight against her body and the Velcro securely fastened. When he was done he picked up his beer and took another sip.

"Platt said you came by the station today," he said jumping straight to the point of his visit. "She suggested I should get you working the desk while your shoulder heals. If you want to come back early you can but no field work until the doctors clear you, okay."

"Okay."

Voight took another sip of his beer and smiled. "Well okay then, that's what I came here for. I'll be off now." He picked up his beers and began walking to the door. Erin went to show him out but he put up a hand to stop her. "I can show myself out," he said, "you enjoy your dinner."

She listened to him walk down the hall and the front door open and close. She made a step to follow him, to latch the chain but then she remembered Jay had cut it.

"I think Voight wanted to hang with you tonight." Jay said as he dished up dinner. "He looked really surprised to see me when I answered the door."

"Yeah, well…" she shrugged her good shoulder as she took her plate from Jay, "it's been years since he wanted to hang, he should have told me he was coming."

They both sat down at the table and began to eat. At first they talked about the food, Jay made good spaghetti but eventually the conversation turned to what had happened today. Erin talked about her unsatisfying trip to the doctor, about the pills he prescribed her and the referral he offered to the doctor who wasn't available for two months. Jay offered to hook her up with a guy, him and some of his army buddies had seen when they first got back state side, he wasn't a doctor, just a psychologist but that had its advantage he couldn't prescribe pills so they weren't part of his treatment. Erin talked about her trip to the station and her disappointment that no one was around when she got there. She talked about the hour or so she spent chatting to Platt. She admitted Platt was the one who suggest maybe she should actually try taking and the sleeping pills. The pills worked, she got a solid chunk of sleep, she felt better for it, except for the nightmares. She got quite when she came to that part of the story, she didn't want to talk about the nightmares. Jay didn't push her on that; he didn't need to know what was happening in the nightmares to know how much they left her shaking.

Eventually the conversation rounded back to Voight and the offer he'd made.

"Are you going to come back to work tomorrow?" Jay asked.

"Maybe," the offer had been going through the back of her mind all dinner. "I have an appointment in the morning with the physiotherapist; I'll see what they say."

The evening ended with them watching a movie; a period piece which Jay fell asleep during. Erin didn't have the heart to wake him so when the movie ended, she went and got him some blankets and a pillow. She laid the blanket over him and walked back to her room. She crawled under her covers and tried to sleep. It took a long time for sleep to come to her and when it finally did the dreams came back.

Jay work up to the sound of whimpering and half muffled cries for help. He was lying on Erin's sofa, the television was off and a blanket covered him. It took him a moment to remember where he was but when it clicked he was up quick and moving towards the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed and gave Erin a gentle shake, this time she woke easy. She looked up at him and he saw the fear in her eyes fade as she realised where she was.

"You're safe," he told her and she reached up and grabbed him. He pulled her closer to him and embraced her tight. "You're safe," he told her again. She didn't cry this time, she just held him. After a while he began to feel her falling asleep against him. "You should lie down," he told her and he began to let go.

She lay down on the bed and looked up at him. "Stay," she said as he began to stand.

"I'll be just out there."

"No," she reached out and grabbed his arm, "stay here."

"Erin…" he was getting close to crossing a line he didn't want to cross, not now and not like this.

"Please, I need to know you're here." She moved over in the bed, leaving space for him where she'd laid.

Reluctantly he slipped under the covers. Before he could lie down she'd rolled onto her side, her back to him, he lay down, his back to her. "Thank you," he heard her whisper as she brought her foot around to rest on his calf.

It took Jay a long time to fall asleep, he didn't feel comfortable in Erin's bed but he needn't have worried. She fell back asleep quickly and this time she didn't dream.


	12. Chapter 12

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part twelve, time is going to move forward a bit in this one. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to anyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated, it is nice to know people are enjoying the read. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Erin went back to work the next afternoon. The unit welcomed her back and hugs went all round. It felt good to be back, for a few hours every day she could stop thinking about what happened, when it was busy, when she had something to do she could focus but when things got quiet, when she went home at night, she couldn't get it out of her head.

Jay stayed with her a lot, having him around helped, the nightmares weren't as bad when she knew he was there, but he couldn't stay every night. On the nights he was gone she found herself alternating between beer and coffee while the television played in front of her. She knew it wasn't a good thing to be doing but it was better than the alternative, the thought of sleeping alone terrified her. A week went by and then another, working the desk became harder, less satisfying, her mind kept wandering more and more. She asked Voight about getting back in the field; he made it clear she wasn't going back until her doctor cleared her and her doctor made it clear she wouldn't be ready for several weeks.

Physically she needed to be able to handle her gun, draw it, hold it, fire it, safely and without pain. As it stood now she could barely lift her arm without it hurting. The doctors said she was healing well, that the rate of her physical recovery was progressing as expected she just had to be patient and follow the rehab program as directed. She couldn't help thinking she should just push herself harder, if she pushed herself harder it would heal faster.

With that in mind she started pushing herself harder and further, slowly she started increasing the reps, increasing the set. At first it was fine but then the doctor stepped it up a notch, he gave her harder more difficult stretchers and exercises. He gave her recommended rep and set rates but told her she should stop if it hurt. Half way through the first set it started hurting but, she didn't stop. She pushed through, completed the recommended set but hours later it still hurt. It crossed her mind that pushing through was a stupid thing to do, that night it hurt so much it was hard to sleep but it didn't stop her pushing through again and again. The pain got worse until it reached a point where she wanted to do something about it, she wanted painkillers. Half her brain told her no, but the other half kept telling her yes. 'Yes' won the first internal argument, she found the prescription the doctor had given her, the one she'd swore she'd never fill but still hadn't thrown out, the 'yes' won again when she took the script to get filled, when she picked it up and took it home. 'No' didn't win until she got home, until she held the pill in her hand, just as she was about to take it she stopped. For an hour she stood staring at the pill before finally walking away.

She went to bed with her shoulder still throbbing, but she couldn't sleep. She was still having the internal argument. 'Yes' kept saying, it will stop the pain, you just need it until your shoulder heals, your shoulder won't heal unless you do the exercises, you can't do the exercises if it hurts, you're a strong person taking a pill doesn't mean you have a problem, the pain is real, you need to stop the pain. 'No' just kept screaming, don't risk it. That morning she got up, she took the pill and the pain went away.

The oxy didn't give her a rush like the heroin did, it just took away the pain, all the pain. Not just the pain in her shoulder, if it was just the pain in her shoulder maybe she wouldn't have got hooked but it also took away the mental pain, that deep aching inside her went away and she just felt nothing. For a week she stuck to the prescribed dose, she only took the one a day she was meant to but as the days went on her body got used to it. One soon became two, and then three, and four. All this time she kept rehabbing her shoulder, going to work, working the desk. When she ran out of pills she went back to the doctor, he wrote her another prescription, in her mind that validated her decision to take the pills. She ignored the fact she'd lied to get them, that she visited three doctors before she found one that would write her the prescription. She just wanted to get better; she couldn't see that she was spiralling out of control. But Voight saw it, Halstead saw it, neither one of them said anything, they just watched her, kept an eye on her to make sure she didn't hurt herself, they both wanted and hoped she would see it herself, that she would pull herself up on her own, stop on her own. She was so focused on healing though, on doing the exercises, on pushing herself as much as she could, in her mind she wasn't spiralling, she was getting better. Eight weeks later she got her letter, the one clearing her for field work.

That afternoon she gave the letter to Voight. He took it, read it, and smiled. "Very well then," he said, "come on. I want you to show me what you can do."

They went down to the firing range, they signed in and he handed her, her gun. When the targets were set she began firing. She emptied one clip, reloaded and kept firing. With every shot she felt the adrenaline running through her system, she felt good; better than she had in a long time. They called the target up and had a look; every one of her shots was on target.

"I've still got it," she said beaming.

"So you do," Voight said smiling back, then he held out his hand. "I'll take the gun back now."

"What? Why?" that wasn't the reaction she was expecting.

"I've seen you can hit a target, now I want to see you do it without the oxy."

She went to open her mouth, she went to argue with him but he cut her off before she could get a word out.

"Don't try and deny it. I know you've been taking them. I'd hoped you'd stop taking them on your own but clearly that's not happened. I need a blood test confirming they're out your system before you go back in the field."

"Fine," she handed him back the gun and stormed out the firing range. She'd been on such a natural high and now it had come crashing back down around her. She stopped in the station long enough to pick up her jacket.

"Lindsay, how'd it go?" Halstead asked as she walked past, she'd shown him the letter, he knew she had her medical clearance.

"He wants me to wait a week," she said as she kept walking.

"What, why?" Halstead got up and went after her.

"He just does," she said as she kept walking. She went down the stairs and out the front door. She heard Sargent Platt say something to her but she ignored her and kept moving, she could hear Halstead coming up behind her. She didn't want to talk to him about it.

"Lindsay wait," Halstead called after her, he ran a couple of steps to catch her and grabbed her arm. "What happened? Why do you need to wait?"

"I just do okay," she pulled her arm free and went to walk away again.

"Is it because of the oxy?" Jay asked. The question stopped her in her tracks, she didn't have to say the answer, the look on her face gave her away. "I know you've been taking them."

"How?" She hadn't asked Voight the question but she would ask Jay.

"I've been practically living with you these last two month, give me some credit."

"But you didn't say anything."

"I didn't want to interfere. I wanted you to decide to stop taking them on your own."

"Well I'm stopping now. Don't worry about coming over tonight, I want some time by myself."

-8-8-8-

Erin walked away from Jay but she didn't go home, she was too pissed off and mad to go home. She was mad at Voight for making her wait, mad at him and Jay for finding out about the pills, mad at herself for getting caught, and mad again for being stupid enough to take them in the first place. She walked the streets for hours not really caring where she went, she walked until she found herself at the diner she'd been to on her first day out of the hospital.


	13. Chapter 13

**Authors Note: For those of you reading here is part thirteen. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to anyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated, it is nice to know people are still reading, this is for you. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Erin walked away from Jay but she didn't go home, she was too pissed off and mad to go home. She was mad at Voight for making her wait, mad at him and Jay for finding out about the pills, mad at herself for getting caught, and mad again for being stupid enough to take them in the first place. She walked the streets for hours not really caring where she went, she walked until she found herself at the diner she'd been to on her first day out of the hospital.

She went inside and sat down at the counter, it was the same woman working, she smiled at her and poured her coffee. It was a slow afternoon, between customers Erin talked and the woman listened. She vented all her fears and frustrations, her desires and regrets. She wanted to be healed, she wanted to be better, she wanted things to go back to the way they were. She knew that was never going to happen, she couldn't erase what had happened to her much like she couldn't pretend she wasn't an addict anymore. For twelve years she'd been clean, once she got the stuff out of her system she didn't want to go back there, Voight had given her a better life, a life without the drugs and she loved it, she'd liked where her life was going but then Costa happened. He'd told her he wanted to destroy her, that death would be too easy, now she understood what he meant. He broke her and then he gave her a taste, at the time she was too focused on surviving to know what he was doing but now she knew. The scars he left on her were deep and the secrets she'd kept hidden where out of the bag. Everyone knew who she was and she was naive to think they didn't.

By the time she got home it was late, she went straight to bed but she didn't sleep, without the oxy as a nightcap insomnia hit hard. She lay awake for hours, listening to the sounds of the city below her, occasionally she'd doze off but never for long, by the time morning came she was ready to leave the apartment again but not ready to return to the station. Instead she went to the gym, she worked until she hit her failure point, until she could hardly move, then she went to a shooting range, she borrowed some guns and stood there shooting at targets. Having the gun in her hand made her feel better; she liked the feel of the recoil and the satisfaction that she could still hit a target. By the time she arrived at work it was late but no one said anything, she just took her seat at her desk and got into the paperwork waiting for her. The next four days she pushed through much the same, she kept going to the gym, she kept going to work, she kept going to the shooting range. It got harder as the withdrawal symptoms hit, she couldn't sleep, her whole body ached, she told the guys at work she had a nasty cold, she couldn't tell if they believed her but they kept their distance. When she was alone at night she cried, she hated the way she was feeling, she hated herself for allowing it to come to this, for not being strong enough. Voight and Halstead both called her, they both came over at different times but she never let them in, some of the anger she felt at herself she deflected on them. She was mad at them for letting her do this, for not stopping her in the first place. On day five she took herself to the doctor, she gave them blood and urine samples and they told her to come back tomorrow for the results. That afternoon Voight watched her shoot targets again.

"Nice job," he said as she emptied her final clip. He held out his hand waiting for her to hand him the gun. "You give me clean drug results tomorrow and you'll be back in the field."

She handed him the gun and walked away.

-8-8-8-

The next morning Erin drove herself to the doctors, she was feeling better than she had in weeks, her head was clearer and she was genuinely excited about getting back in the field. She'd hoped they'd just give her a print out of the results and let her leave but they insisted she see the doctor. He was busy with another patient; she waited almost an hour before he finally called her inside his office. He asked her to sit down and pulled out some paperwork.

"Can I just have a copy of the drug results; I'm in a bit of a hurry." She said feeling impatient, this was meant to be a quick trip and it was already taking too long.

"Of course," he handed her one of the pieces of paper, "There were no traces of opiates or other narcotics in your system but I want to talk to you about some of the other findings."

"What other findings? You were only supposed to run the drug test." She felt sick and somehow like her privacy had been invaded.

"Given your history we thought it a good idea to run a complete blood count and test for Hepatitis, STDs, things you might have picked up which weren't present in your blood two months ago."

"Oh," she gulped and swallowed, "What did you find?" she asked knowing they'd found something, they wouldn't have made her wait like this if they hadn't found something.

"You're pregnant," the doctor said, he didn't smile as he gave the information, he was smart enough to realise this wasn't necessarily welcome news.

"That's not possible," Erin said as her hand moved instinctively to her belly. "I can't be pregnant, you have to have sex to get pregnant and…" Her voice trailed off as a memory struck her, one of the nightmares she'd had playing on repeat. She'd been flat on her back with Costa on top of her, she'd been too weak and strung out to fight him off. "Oh my god that was real." She said as she felt an uncontrollable urge to vomit, she was sick into the waste paper basket but the doctor didn't seem to mind.

"I'd like to do an ultrasound to confirm," he said standing up, he lead her out of the office and into an exam room.

For the next thirty minutes she moved in auto pilot, she did what the doctor told her, she asked questions when she was supposed to but she didn't remember the answers. He handed her brochures for all of her options and told her to phone him if she had any more questions.

When she was alone in her car she screamed and then she cried, she didn't want to but she needed to. Even from the grave Costa was still destroying her, she couldn't have a child, especially not Costa's child but the thought of having an abortion, she agreed with a woman having the right to choose but she didn't like the idea of doing that to her own body. She cried until her eyes ran dry, until she remembered the bottle of pills in her glove box. The bottle was almost empty, she'd meant to throw it out but she hadn't, now she opened the bottle, emptied it into her mouth and swallowed. All the joy, all the excitement she'd felt that morning was gone, she waited until the pills began to kick in, until the pain subsided and all she felt was numb, empty, she composed herself on the short drive to the station, she put on her happy face.

The pills were kicking good when she walked into Voight's office, she handed him the drug results, the piece of paper which said she was clean. He read it, looked her over, could he tell it was all a lie she thought, could he see that she was getting a hit right now in front of him. "Why are your eyes bloodshot?" he asked.

"Allergies," she said forcing a smile. He couldn't tell, she was going to get away with it she thought, there was no way she was going to tell Voight the rest of the doctor's news.

"Fine," he stood up and walked to the gun cabinet, he unlocked it, pulled out her gun. "You'll tell me if something's wrong," he said holding the gun out to her. "I can't have deceptive police in my unit."

"I'm fine," she said reaching out and taking the gun.

"Good, go see Halstead, he's been waiting for you to get back."


	14. Chapter 14

**Authors Note: For those of you who asked for an update soon here you go, part fourteen a day or so early, it's just a short one. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to everyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated, this is for you. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

First assignment in the field was picking up a dealer they'd been trying to track down for weeks. He was a low level dealer, someone they wanted to twist for information. Halstead was driving, she didn't let him drive too often but he'd refused to give her the keys and in the end she decided it was better that way. With him driving he'd be watching the road and not watching her.

"Are you okay Lindsay?" he asked as they headed to the location, they were picking the guy up from his grandma's house.

"Yeah," she said blowing off the question.

"Are you sure? If something is wrong you can talk to me about it. I won't tell Voight."

"I'm fine," she said biting her tongue, "can we just focus on the job."

"Sure," Halstead said and they went back to driving in silence. Lindsay didn't say anything but she wondered if he knew; if he could tell she was getting high. She could feel her heart rate and her breathing slowing down, feel the pains both physical and emotional seeping away from her body. When they reached the house she was moving slower than normal, not much slower, not enough for Halstead to tell she hoped but enough for her to feel it. It crossed her mind that maybe she shouldn't be out in the field in this moment but this was what she'd been waiting for, for weeks this was all she'd wanted.

They talked through their method of approach, what they'd do if he tried to run. The house backed onto a laneway, if he tried to run that would be where he'd go. Halstead would take him on foot, she'd bring around the car but they weren't expecting him to run, this was supposed to be easy.

They knocked on the door, the grandma answered.

"Chicago PD," Lindsay said showing the woman her badge, "is Lorenzo here? We have some questions for him."

"Lorenzo," the grandma called back into the house, "the Chicago PD are here. They want to ask you some questions."

From inside the house they heard someone swear, and then the unmistakable sound of someone standing up quickly and running. Lindsay was closest to the door; she ignored what they'd worked out and ran inside.

"Lindsay," Halstead called after her but she'd already disappeared inside the house. He was about to go get the car when he heard the sicken sound of three gun shots. A shiver ran through his body, he pulled his weapon and ran into the house. The house was small, he was out the back door and into the laneway in a matter of seconds and there he saw it. Lindsay was on the ground, pushing herself up onto her elbows, Lorenzo was hobbling down the street.

"Get him," Lindsay said through gritted teeth when Halstead stopped to see how she was. "It got my vest, I'm fine, get him."

Halstead held up his gun and moved towards the suspect, he was clearly hurt, there was blood running down his calf and he was limping heavily.

"Chicago PD, stop," Halstead said aiming the gun at the suspects back. "Hands up, throw away the weapon or I'll shoot and this time I won't be so kind and put the bullet in your calf."

The suspect stopped, he put his arms up and threw away the gun. Halstead ran down the laneway to grab him; he yanked his arms around his back and cuffed him. When he turned around Lindsay was flat on her back.

"Lindsay," he called as he dragged the suspect down the laneway, "Lindsay," he kept calling out to her but she didn't move.

-8-8-8-

"Request immediate backup and EMT assistance," Halstead said speaking into the radio, "Officer down, I repeat officer down." He gave the required information, their location, what had happened, whether it was safe, as he dragged the suspect down the laneway. When he reached Lindsay he shoved the man to the ground a few feet away and knelt beside her.

"Lindsay," he said grabbing her shoulders and shaking hard, "Lindsay," he ripped open her jacket and there he saw it, the tiny metal bullet lodged in her vest. He stuck his hands under her vest and pushed down on her chest, he felt her ribs crack but there was no blood.

"It got my vest, I'm okay," she said as she finally opened her eyes.

For a moment Halstead felt relief and then he really looked into her eyes, he saw the pin prick size of her pupils. "EMT's are on the way," he told her, "I need to check for other injuries."

She tried to sit up and push him away but he told her to stay down, he moved his hands down her body, it took him seconds to find the second bullet, a few inches below her vest, in her lower abdomen, near her pelvis. Her dark clothes had obscured the bleeding but once he knew it was there, there was no mistaking what it was. He pushed down hard on the wound.

"Can't you feel that?" he asked.

"I landed on it is all," she said as he pushed down harder, she winched in pain. "Stop that it hurts," she said trying to push his hand away.

"I can't you're bleeding," he said and he lifted his hand up, it was red and sticky and covered in blood, "see."

She looked at his hand, a confused dumbfound look crossed her face, "Oh," she said and she began to close her eyes again.

"Oh no you don't," Halstead said as he put his hand back over the wound, he pushed down harder. "You're not allowed to close your eyes now Lindsay, you're not allowed to go to sleep."

She opened her eyes again and looked back at him, "Happy?" she asked.

"No," Halstead said pushing down harder on the wound, he was trying to stop the bleeding but his hands were having little effect. "I can't stop the bleeding."

"Oh," she said as the colour drained from her face and she closed her eyes again, this time he couldn't get her to open them.

By the time the backup and EMTs arrived he was covered in blood and shaking slightly. Only a few minutes had passed but it seemed like much longer. Someone helped him up to give the EMT space to work.

"We'll take care of everything here," someone was saying to him, "You ride with her to the hospital."

He nodded and climbed into the back of the ambulance, they slammed the doors shut, flicked the lights and sirens on and took off. Lindsay was completely unconscious now, they'd had to put a tub down to throat to support her breathing it had slowed down so much but her heart was still pumping.

"Be careful with the morphine," he said remembering her pupils, "I think she might have taken too much oxy."


	15. Chapter 15

**Authors Note: Who wants to race to the finish line, only five more parts to go (I think). Keep those reviews coming and I'll keep the parts rolling. For those of you who asked for an update soon here you go, part fifteen. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to everyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated, this is for you. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Voight was in his office when Burgess phoned, she'd been in the second patrol car to reach the scene, she'd been the one to help Halstead up but she didn't think he'd recognised her at the time.

"You need to get to Chicago Medical now," she said, "Lindsay's been shot."

Voight felt his insides twist, any cop getting shot sent him into a rage but Lindsay was different, she was like his daughter. "Where?" he asked, "Is she okay?"

"The abdomen I think, she looked really bad. You need to get to the hospital." The line went dead, Voight sat there for a moment stunned, then he got up, grabbed his jacket and walked out the office.

"Everybody up," he said as he walked through the bull pit. "Lindsay's been shot, we're going to the hospital."

He didn't wait to see if they were following, he just kept walking.

-8-8-8-

Jay sat alone in the waiting area of the hospital, his hands and clothes were still covered in blood. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. They'd taken Lindsay straight to surgery and now he was just sitting there waiting, going through every detail of what had happened in his mind. He was blaming himself, she was his partner, he was supposed to have her back, but he'd failed her and now she was fighting for her life.

"Where is she?" He heard Voight's voice boom down the corridor. He looked up and saw Voight walking towards him with the others from the unit close behind.

"Surgery," Jay said standing. Voight nodded his eyes focused on the blood covering Jay's clothes.

"Do you know if she'll be okay?" He asked.

"No," Jay said shaking his head, "I'm sorry."

"What happened?" Voight asked, he was mentally restraining himself from laying into Halstead. He was angry but he had enough sense not to attack him, at least not until he'd heard his story.

"He ran," Halstead began, "Lindsay was meant to get the car, I was supposed to go after him but she took off first. I heard the gun shots before I'd left the front porch. I ran though the house, Lindsay was on the ground in the laneway, half sitting up. She said it hit her vest, she told me to get the guy. He was limping down the street, she'd shot him in the calf. I went after him, I got him to throw his gun down and I placed him under arrest. When I turned around Lindsay was on her back and she wasn't moving." He recounted the scene with as little emotion as he could, it wouldn't help things to get upset now. "I called for backup and EMTs, I shoved the guy on the ground where I could see him and tried to help her. There was a bullet lodged in her vest, I thought it might have gone through but when I pushed down all I felt were some broken ribs. That woke her up though, she it hurt but she still didn't seem to realise she'd been shot. Even when I found the entrance wound, she didn't seem to believe it until I showed her the blood. Maybe I shouldn't have shown her the blood, she was doing okay, then she started spiralling. I tried to stop the bleeding, I tried to keep her awake but I couldn't do either." When he finished describing what had happened he could feel himself trembling all over. He hadn't looked at Voight while he'd been talking but he looked at him now. He was expecting a reprimand but Voight's expression was void of emotion.

"Where is he?" Voight finally asked.

"Who?" Halstead asked he didn't understand the question.

"The prick who shot her, where is he?"

"I don't know," he said as he tried to remember what had happened to the man who'd caused this. "There were lots of patrol cars at the scene. Someone probably brought him here to have the calf wound patched up."

Voight nodded, he could see him thinking over what he'd heard, trying to decide what to do with the information. "Olinsky," he finally said, "come on we're going for a walk."

There was no doubt in anyone's minds what Voight and Olinsky were going to do.

"Are you going to stop them?" Halstead asked looking at Antonio.

"No," Antonio said stepping forward, he placed and hand on Jay's shoulder and squeezed. "You should sit down mate you look terrible." He sat down on the chair with Antonio and Ruzek on either side.

"Why?" He asked looking back at Antonio, the guy had always been his moral compass, the white to Voight's black.

"Because this time it's not me who's been hurt. I couldn't allow Voight to seek any retribution for me, not in my name but Lindsay's different. I won't pretend to understand the relationship Voight and her have but you'd have to be blind not to see there is something more there."

"She's like his daughter," Jay said offering some explanation on the relationship, "He took her in as a teenager, saved her life she says. He's the closest things she's ever had to a father."

"See," Antonio smiled, "I don't think Lindsay would mind if Voight laid a few fists into the guy."

-8-8-8-

Voight walked the hospital scanning for police, there would have to be an officer with the guy, he just hoped it was someone he could trust.

"Voight!" he heard someone to his right call his name, he looked down the corridor he'd almost walked past and saw Burgess standing alone by a door. He smiled to himself as he walked towards her.

"Is he in there?" he asked pointing to the door.

"Yeah," Burgess said giving him a nod, he went to step through the door but she held up her hand. "There's a doctor in there too," she continued. "They're patching him up then we're taking him back to the station."

"Of course," Voight stepped back and he felt Olinsky place a hand on his shoulder.

"I could call you when we're leaving." Burgess offered.

"Thanks," Voight nodded. He was still angry, frustrated, he wanted to hit someone but he was smart enough to know doing that in front of a doctor was a dumb move.

"Let's go back," Olinsky said, gently pushing Voight forward.

"Voight," Burgess asked stepping forward, "how's Lindsay?"

"I don't know," Voight said, "call me when you're leaving."

-8-8-8-

"She'll be okay," Olinsky told Voight as they walked back to the others. Voight shrugged him off and kept walking. He was angry and frustrated, he wanted to hurt someone, he wanted to do something, he hated waiting but that was all he could do.

It was an hour before Burgess phoned, and in that time nothing happened, no updates no nothing. They were all trying to take that as a good thing, at the very least it meant she was still alive but it was scary not knowing and the longer it went on the worse it got. Halstead was still beside himself with guilt, he didn't want to leave in case he missed an update but Voight felt relief that he could finally do something.

"Call me as soon as you hear something," he said getting ready to walk away.

"Will do," Antonio said stepping up, "and Voight, don't go too hard on the guy he needs to look alright for court."

Voight nodded and began walking.

"Antonio's right," Olinsky said walking beside him, "We don't want this thrown out on a technicality."

-8-8-8-

The man was being held in an interrogation room at the station, he'd already been charged with attempted murder and a swath of drug charges, he'd also asked for a lawyer.

"You can't talk to him," Burgess told him as they met outside the door.

"I don't want to talk," Voight said stepping inside.

He walked over to the guy and grabbed him by the shirt collar; he was a skinny, weedy wimpy looking young man. He pulled him to his feet and dragged him out the room, down to the cage. He shoved the guy inside then pulled out a roll of duct tape. The guy was already calling for a lawyer but Voight didn't really care.

"Shut up!" he told the man, "I'm not here to question you, in fact I don't want you to talk at all. I wouldn't want you to say anything without your attorney." He ripped off a piece of duct tape and put it over the man's mouth. "That's better, now we won't have any miss understandings." He unclipped one side of the man's handcuffs and chained him to the fence, then he grabbed another set of cuffs and chained his other wrist. "That cop you shot was my daughter," Voight said and he took his first swing. He beat the guy in the torso and legs, made him scream, made him beg, or at least that's what he thought the man was doing, it was hard to tell through the muffled tape. He didn't ask the man any questions, most of the time he didn't even talk. He just kept hitting the guy until Olinsky pulled him off, told him he'd done enough damage. Voight stayed downstairs while Olinsky took the guy back to the interrogation room, told him to act like nothing had happened or he'd see further consequence.


	16. Chapter 16

**Authors Note: For everyone who's reading here is part sixteen. Keep those reviews coming and I'll keep the parts going. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to everyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated, this is for you. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Hours and hours passed without updates, Voight and Olinsky returned bringing with them a bunch of paperwork. It was an attempt to make the time go faster, Voight didn't like sitting around waiting doing nothing. He took Halstead's official statement, then began catching up on other cases as well. Olinsky and Ruzek left to get food for everyone, Antonio left to spend time with his wife and kids. Burgess and Atwater stopped by but they couldn't stay long, Sargent Platt even came by for a little bit but it was just Voight and Halstead there when the doctors finally came out.

They wouldn't tell them the specifics for her injuries, there were issues of privacy and confidentiality but they told them enough. They were able to stop the bleeding but she'd lost a lot of blood and was too unstable for them to complete their repairs. They said she'd need another surgery once she stabilised, sometime in the next 24 to 48 hours. In the meantime she was in the ICU in a critical condition. The doctor took them up to see her, he told them she was sedated, that there were a large number of machines and tubes and leads attached to her, including one breathing for her. He said while she may be able to hear them, she wouldn't be able to respond, and they needed to do their best to stay out of the doctors and nurses way while they were there.

They were taken to her room then. There were other doctors and nurses in there, they were applying heat packs to her body and writing dozens of different vital signs down on a chart. They didn't need to understand exactly what was going on to appreciate how complex the balancing game they were playing was.

Voight stepped up to Lindsay first, "Hey kid," he said trying to smile but he couldn't hide the sadness from his voice. He reached down and carefully took her hand. He bent down beside her and began quietly whispering into her ear.

Jay turned his back and took a step away. He didn't want to hear what Voight was saying, seeing his boss like this made him feel uncomfortable. He'd never seen Voight's softer side, he'd never seen him look so scared and vulnerable, even when Erin was missing he wasn't like this. When she was missing he was raging, he threw all his energy into trying to find her, but now there was nothing he could do to make it better. When he finally stood up his eyes were glassy like he was on the verge of crying.

"Jay," he said and his voice seemed to quiver slightly, "are you going to stay?"

"Yeah," he replied, it hadn't crossed his mind that he'd do anything but stay.

"Good," Voight said as he let go of Erin's hand, "I can't stay here." He bent down and kissed her gently on the forehead "Get better kid," he told her, "I'll see you when you're awake." He stood up and took a step away. "Call if anything changes," he told Jay before walking out the room.

Jay nodded and took a seat, he wouldn't fault Voight for being shaken, for not staying but he'd expected more. He couldn't stomach the idea of leaving her alone, he'd thought Voight would have felt the same but it seemed otherwise. He reached out and took her hand; he held it while the doctors and nurses moved around him.

-8-8-8-

Thirty hours passed, Voight sat alone in his office, he was trying to work but he couldn't stay focused. His mind kept drifting back to Erin, he was scared and worried about her but he was also in denial about his feelings. He told everyone who asked that she was going to be okay, he didn't know that though, that was just what he wanted to believe. He still couldn't believe it was happening, the job he'd sent her on was supposed to be a simple pick up; it wasn't supposed to end up like this. He'd given everyone else in the unit the option of taking a few days off, as far as he knew they'd all taken it. He was certain Jay was still at the hospital but he wasn't sure where everyone else was. He was grateful for Jay, he'd never tell the guy that but he was glad Erin had him, over the last couple of months he'd seen him be there for her in ways he never could be. He was too much like her father for her to tell him some things; he knew she kept things from him that she told Jay.

His phone started ringing, he glanced at the ID saw it was Jay. "What's up?" he asked answering the phone.

"She's stabilised," he told him, "they're taking her back in for the second surgery. She's doing well."

"Good," Voight said taking in the information. "Call me when she's out."

"Will do," Jay said and he hung up the phone.

Voight stood up and walked over to the window, he let out a long slow breath. She's going to be okay he told himself again and he decided he wanted to go for a drive.

Voight's car was parked in a lot with other officers' cars, he was thinking he might go out to the lake and stare at the water for a bit. As he walked to his car he walked passed Erin's, he glanced inside her window, he wasn't snooping, it was just a reflex, but what he saw made him double take. On her passenger seat were a few sheets of paper and a pill bottle. He moved to have a closer look but couldn't make out what they were from outside. Without even thinking twice he went back inside, grabbed her keys from her desk and went back to her car. He unlocked the doors and climbed inside. He grabbed the bottle first, the label said it was oxy and when it was full there'd been twenty pills in it. The pieces of papers were from the doctor's surgery Erin'd had her bloodwork done at. He picked the paper up and began reading. When he was done he felt sick and all thoughts of going to stare at the water were gone. Instead he drove to the hospital, with only one thing on his mind.

"Halstead!" he yelled as soon as he reached the waiting area.

Jay looked up, he'd been eating a chocolate bar while reading the paper. He put the paper down fast when he saw Voight storming towards him.

"We need to talk," Voight said standing over him.

"Okay, sit down," Jay said back, he had no idea what had got into Voight, why he was yelling.

"Not here," Voight said back, "come on we're leaving."

"Okay," Jay stood up, folded the paper and placed it on the table, "just let me give someone my number so they can phone if we get any updates." Voight let him walk over to the clerks counter, hand the woman his business card but he could see on his face he didn't like waiting. He was almost afraid to find out what had got him so angry.

They walked out the hospital and to the pub down the street, Voight seemed to calm a little as they walked but not near enough. He told him to sit in a booth, then went to the counter and ordered two beers. He brought the two beers back, sat down, took a big long gulp and then pulled out of his pocket a folded piece of paper and an empty bottle of pills.

"Did you know about this?" he asked slamming them both on the table in front of him.

Jay reached for the bottle first, read the label, "I knew about the oxy," he said, "but you knew too."

"And this," he pushed the paper forward; Jay picked it up and began reading. As he read the words a few things he'd been trying to piece together began to make sense. He couldn't work out why Erin would have taken more oxy after she'd just spent a week getting clean but this helped explain things.

"I didn't know about this," he said putting the paper down, "where did you get that?"

"I found it in her car with the empty pill bottle. Is it yours?" As Voight asked the question he realised he wasn't sure what he wanted the answer to be, if Jay said yes it would almost be easier, he could punch the guy out and force him to transfer to another unit, if he said no that could only mean one thing.

"No," Jay said almost shocked at the question, "It's not like that with us, we're friends."

"Okay," Voight said not questioning the answer, "is there anyone else?"

"No, I mean I don't think so. I don't know everything she does."

"Fuck," Voight said as he slammed his fist on the table, he wanted to hurt someone he wanted to punch something but the subject of his rage was already dead. He took a long gulp of beer and tried to work out what to do. He wished his wife was still alive, she'd been a mother to Lindsay almost as much as he'd been a father; she'd know what to do. He didn't have the slightest idea where to go next.

Jay reached for his beer and began to drink, he wasn't the subject of Voight's rage anymore but he could see he was still raging. If he had anything constructive to say he would have said it but he had nothing. They sat in silence until his phone finally started ringing, it was the hospital, Erin was out of surgery.


	17. Chapter 17

**Authors Note: For everyone who's reading here is part seventeen. Keep those reviews coming and I'll keep the parts going. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to everyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated, this is for you. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Voight and Halstead both sat waiting for Lindsay to wake up; there was a slightly uncomfortable feel to the air which they were both trying to ignore. They hadn't worked out what to do for her, they acknowledged they needed to talk to her first but they hadn't worked out what to say. The doctors said she was doing well, her condition had been downgraded from critical to serious but they couldn't say when she would wake up, they said it could be as little as two hours or as long as twenty four. For now all they could do was wait.

Voight's phone started ringing; he left the room to answer it and returned a few minutes later with a pained expression on his face.

"I have to go," he said, "phone me when she wakes up."

"I will," Halstead said and he watched Voight leave.

Another hour passed, and then another, a ward volunteer brought him in a cup of soup, told him it was important for him to keep his strength up. His friend was going to need him more when she was awake. He drunk the soup and continued to watch. It was midnight when Lindsay finally started to stir. Her fingers started to twitch and her head rocked, she let out a deep groan. Jay jumped to his feet at the sound and stepped towards her bed, he took her hand.

"Erin, it's Jay, I'm right here." He told her.

She groaned again and opened her eyes, "too bright," she said closing them.

He reached for a switch and dimmed the lights, "I've turned them down," he told her and she opened her eyes again.

She looked up at him, pain and confusion crossed her face. It took her a moment to work out where she was, to remember what happened.

"He shot me," she said her voice horse and gravely, barely louder than a whisper.

"Yes he did," Jay smiled back, "I'll be right back, I need to let them know you're awake."

As he walked out the room she closed her eyes again and tried to take a deep breath. She only got half way before sharp pains radiated across her chest. She tried to sit up but everything hurt. When Jay came back he had a cup of ice chips with him. He helped her adjust the bed into a half sitting position and gave her some ice chips to suck.

He sat back down; he wouldn't push her for answers and explanations just yet, there would be time for that later.

"Thanks," she said when the ice had finished melting, she held out the cup, Jay took it from her, rested it on the bench. "How long has it been?"

"A day and a half," Jay said looking down at his watch, "You've had a couple surgeries and a bunch of other stuff. I don't know the doctors didn't want to tell us much."

"Okay," she closed her eyes again and tried to process the information. She was still incredibly tired and finding it hard to think straight, before she could think of another question the doctor arrived.

He checked her eyes and the strength in her hands and legs; he asked her a bunch of basic questions some of which were harder than they should have been to answer. He asked her how she was feeling and if she was in any pain. She told him it ached everywhere and hurt to breathe, she told him she was tired.

He smiled at her and adjusted a machine dispensing pain relief, she didn't say anything about the pain meds, she didn't have the strength or energy to begin another withdrawal session. Instead she just closed her eyes and listened as the doctor told her he'd be back in the morning and they would talk more then. When he was gone she looked over at Jay. Instinctively he seemed to know what she needed; he lowered the bed back down and gave her hand a squeeze.

"Thanks," she said looking into his eyes, "you don't have to stay. I'll be alright."

"I know," he said sitting back down. "I'll go when you're back asleep."

-8-8-8-

Erin work again around 3am, there was someone in her room adjusting one of the monitors beside her.

"You're okay, go back to sleep." They said before walking out the room.

She went to close her eyes again, try to go back to sleep but then she saw Jay sitting in the chair; he was sound asleep and snoring lightly. She wanted to wake him up, tell him to go home, to get some real sleep, but she had no way of reaching him. So she closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

-8-8-8-

At 6am she was woken by a young doctor trying to do an exam. They wanted to examine her wound, test her strength and reflexes and ask her a bunch of questions. She cooperated with their requests and when they finally helped her sit up she realised there were actually four doctors in the room and Jay was sitting awake in the chair.

"Jay go home," she said looking straight at him, "I know you've been here all night."

"But I –"

"I want you to go home," she cut him off before he could finish. "I want you to have a shower, eat some real food, and get some proper sleep. I don't need you to stay here twenty four seven." What she didn't say was she wanted privacy, there were things she wanted to ask the doctor but not in front of Jay.

"Erin," He stood up and stepped towards her.

"Jay," she said back to him smiling, "You don't need to stay here, I'm going to be okay, right?" she turned to the doctor for the last part.

The doctor smiled, "You've still got a lot of healing to do but everything is moving in the right direction," he said confirming her statement.

"See," she smiled at him, "go home, take care of yourself, you can come back later."

He seemed to hesitate, she could see him working something through in his mind but then he said okay. He finally left and Erin turned to her doctors.

"Tell me everything," she asked but before they could start explaining she jumped to the question she really wanted the answer to. "Am I still pregnant?"

"No," the doctor said, "I'm sorry, there was nothing we could do."

"It's okay," she said as a feeling of relief ran through her, the decision had been made for her. She'd never wanted the pregnancy, the idea of having Costa's baby made her feel sick, but the idea of having an abortion made her feel almost as bad. "What else?"

The doctor began the long explanation of all her injuries, and her likely recovery process. The bullet had traced a path through her bladder, uterus, and small intestine, before lodging itself near her spine. For now she was stable and moving in the right direction, her biggest immediate risks were blood clots and infection but they had a plan in place to manage that. She'd be nil by mouth for a few days so her body could begin to heal and then they'd slowly reintroduce food. Long term she'd need to talk to a dietician about the best ways to get the nutrition her body needed. Briefly they said she might have difficulty getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term but they'd discuss that further when the time came.

She asked about the medications she was on. They told her it was a concoction including a blood thinner, prophylactic antibiotics, and pain killers. She went to tell him about her problem with pain medications but he seemed to already know, then she remembered the large amount of oxy in her system when they brought her in. He said he was tightly controlling how much pain relief she was getting, he pointed out she didn't have patient controlled analgesia, and said he'd be slowly weaning her off the pain medication while she was here. He also offered to help her find a treatment facility if she thought she needed one, she turned him down on that offer, she was still under the belief she could handle her addiction on her own.

-8-8-8-

Voight sat alone in his office, he'd been there all night working, stewing over what to do with Erin, she needed help, that was all he could decide on, more help than he could offer her. He'd been looking up rehabilitation facilities, places which could help her physically, mentally, and emotionally. He was looking for places outside of the city, he thought a change of scenery would be good for her but he'd let her decide otherwise, if she wanted to stay in the city he was okay with that. As long as she was getting help he'd be okay, they'd tried letting her do it herself, he'd really hoped she'd be strong enough to climb out of the hole on her own, she almost managed it, she was right on the edge about to pull herself out when she'd fallen back in.

He had information printed out about half a dozen different facilities, he had his favourites but he wanted to give her the choice. With his head down sorting out the paperwork he heard his door open.

"Halstead," he said looking up, "What are you doing here?" he was expecting to be alone for another hour at least.

"Lindsay's awake, she told me to go home." Jay said stepping into the room.

"So what are you doing here? Last time I checked this wasn't home."

"I wanted to talk to you, have you worked out what we're going to do about what we were talking about last night?" He sounded awkward asking the question, like he didn't want to say it properly.

"You mean Lindsay," Voight said, not willing to beat around the bush on the issue. He scooped up the papers from his desk and stood up. "I've got some ideas; I'm going to talk to her about it today."

"What ideas?" Jay asked sounding suspicious and uncertain.

"Rehab," Voight said jumping straight to the point, "she needs more help than we can give her. There are some nice places out of the city I might be able to get her into." He picked up his jacket and put it on.

"Okay," Jay said as he stepped past, "I can go along with you on that."

"I wasn't asking you to go along with that, but thanks," Voight said and he headed out the building.


	18. Chapter 18

**Authors Note: Since some of you asked so nicely here is part eighteen. If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to everyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated, this is for you. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Lindsay fell asleep again after the doctors left, she tried to watch some television but she couldn't keep focused. They'd told her fatigue was common given the extent of her injuries, they said for now she should rest; listen to her body and what it was telling her. In a few days they'd start getting her up and moving about, until then sleep was her friend.

She felt bad about sleeping so much but at the same time she didn't have anything else to do. When she woke up again it was late morning and Voight was sitting in her room reading a magazine.

"Is that interesting?" she asked turning her head to look at him, her mouth was still dry and her voice croaky. He looked up from his magazine and smiled.

"Interesting enough," he said standing; he put the magazine down and stepped towards her. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay, I guess," she said wondering how much detail Voight actually wanted to know. "They've given me some pain killers, they're making things better."

"Do you think that's wise?" Voight asked, he tried to sound concerned but it came out almost confrontational.

"The doctor seems to think so," she tried to push herself up in the bed and winched in pain, "he knows about the pills."

"All the pills?" Voight reached into his pocket and pulled out the empty pill bottle, he sat it on the tray table by the bed.

"Where did you get that?" She asked staring at the pill bottle.

"Your car," Voight replied as he reached back into his pocket and pulled out the piece of paper with her blood results. "I found it in your car with this." He placed the paper on the tray table next to the pill bottle. Lindsay recognised the letterhead; she didn't need to read the paper to know what it was. "When were you planning on telling anyone?"

"I wasn't," she said immediately going on the defensive. "Why were you searching my car? That was none of your business."

"I was worried about you," Voight replied biting back, "and when you're going out in the field these things are my business. How many pills did you take? You could have got yourself or Halstead killed."

"I don't know," she said immediately feeling small, "four, five, six maybe, I didn't count them, I just emptied the bottle."

"Why?" Voight asked, toning his voice down slightly.

"I wanted to make the pain stop," she said reaching for the paper, "this…" she blinked her eyes and tears began running down her face. "I thought it was over, I was clean, I was ready to be back, I wanted to be back so bad and then this came. I couldn't deal with it…the thought that Costa was inside of me, that he'd…" her voice trailed off, she couldn't say it. Voight reached out, he squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry," she said, almost at a whisper.

Voight stepped closer to the bed; he came and stood beside her, wrapped his arms around her and let her cry into his chest. "It's going to be okay, kid," he said rubbing his hand up and down her back. He held her until she stopped crying, until the tension in the room seeped away.

"I'm sorry," she said again as she pulled away. "It won't happen again."

"I know," Voight said stepping back. He believed her, he believed she meant the words coming out her mouth but he'd heard them before. "I want you to go to rehab when you get out of here."

"No," it was a reflex response, she didn't think about it before she said it.

"Yes," Voight said as he picked up his newspaper, under it was a mass of paper, information about the rehab centres he'd already looked up. "You need help kid, and time away from all of this. I've been doing some research; these are a few places I thought might be suitable. They're all out of the city, sometime in the country might be good but I can find some places in the city if you want."

"I…" she wanted to fight him, she didn't like the idea of going to rehab, but at the same time she knew he was right.

"Just have a look at them okay," Voight said and he tried to smile. "I've got some work I need to do back at the station. I'll come by later okay."

"Yeah," she said trying to smile back, she couldn't do it though, her eyes gave her away. "I'll see you later."

After Voight left she put the papers down, closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

-8-8-8-

Jay arrived back at the hospital after lunch, Erin was asleep again, not that that surprised him; he knew she'd be sleeping a lot. He walked into the room and saw the papers on the rehab centres sitting on the table by the bed. He picked them up, sat down and began reading.

When Erin woke after lunch, Jay was sitting in her room reading the papers Voight had left. She didn't say anything at first, she wanted to watch him for a bit, everyone had been watching her now it was her turn. She was glad he was back; she liked it when he was there, he didn't try to push her to talk but he would listen if she wanted to. She only got to watch him for a few minutes, before he looked up and saw her.

"Hey," he said pulling his chair closer, "how long have you been awake?"

"Just a couple of minutes," she said and she held out her hand, he took it in his and squeezed.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"A little better I guess, tired," tired was an understatement, she couldn't seem to stay awake more than ten minutes at a time. "Can you help me sit up?"

"Sure," Jay stood up and helped her adjust the bed and pillows until she was comfortable. She lay back into the pillows and reached for the papers Jay had been reading.

"You've been reading these?" she asked picking them up.

"Yeah," he said an almost sheepish look on his face, "they were just sitting there."

"It's okay," she wasn't going to get mad a Jay for reading them, if she really wanted to make sure no one saw them she would have put them away. "Voight left them behind. He wants me to go to rehab."

"And you don't want to?"

"I don't know," the truth was she didn't want to go to rehab but she was wise enough now to see maybe she should. "Do you think I should go?"

Jay gulped, it was a loaded question, but there was really only one answer. "Yes," he said only slightly hesitating, "you need to work out those demons, and find a way to live with yourself after everything Costa did. A way that doesn't involve drugs. You're better than that."

"You think?" she said half smiling.

"Yes," he said without hesitating this time. "I can help you pick a place if you like, these ones Voight's brought over are pretty nice, it'd almost be a holiday."

"Almost," she said not wanting to go into the horrors of how much a stint in rehab wouldn't be like a holiday.

"And this," she looked up and realised Jay was holding her blood results, "whatever you need, I'll help you."

"Thanks, but you don't need to worry about that," she took the paper from his hands and began tearing it up, "the bullet took care of it, don't ever mention it again."


	19. Chapter 19

**Authors Note: Part nineteen (this story is almost at its end). If you're enjoying the story I'd love to hear from you. Thank you to everyone who's already left something on the reviews, much appreciated, this is for you. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Lindsay spent three weeks in hospital recovering, for the first week she spent more time asleep than awake. She found it hard to keep a conversation going and for the most part seemed to fall asleep while 'watching' television with someone. She had lots of people come and see her, every time she woke up there seemed to be someone new in the room with her. They insisted they weren't running shifts to be with her but she couldn't help thinking they weren't being quite true with her there. It felt like she was never alone but that was probably a good thing, when she was alone her mind began wandering places she was trying to avoid.

As she got stronger they started bringing over playing cards and board games. There were a few games of scrabble played which seemed to turn either dirty or morbid. It felt good to have her friends and family with her, they all made sure she knew they were there for her, whatever she needed. For the most part what she needed were distractions, as much as she was sure they'd listen to her, she didn't want to talk to them about the shit she was going through and the stuff she'd done. She was ashamed about what she'd done, that she'd been reckless and put not only her life but Jay's life in danger. She hated that she was an addict and that she'd allowed herself to disappear down that rabbit hole again, it was embarrassing. She prided herself in being strong, together and in control but now she had to admit to herself that she wasn't any of those things anymore. She only spoke to Voight and Jay about her impending trip to rehab, she assumed the others knew, it wasn't meant to be a secret but they never openly acknowledged it.

Everyone spent time with her but Jay visited the most; he said he liked hanging out with her, that it gave him time to catch up on his reading. He made her smile and even laugh a few times, which she quickly realised hurt more than it felt good.

He brought her chicken soup when the doctors finally allowed her to eat something. The soup was average but in that moment in time it was the best thing she'd ever tasted. When they finally let her get out of bed he helped her shuffle along the corridors near her room. He read up on the rehab centres Voight suggested and helped her pick a place which was suitable. She needed a place which didn't just help her kick the drug addiction but would also help her greater mental and physical wellbeing. She needed to find a way to accept process and move forward from the trauma Costa had inflicted on her, and she was still healing from the gunshot wound. By the time she left the hospital her doctor had written up an outline of a treatment plan for her, he said the doctors at the rehab centre might have their own ideas about her treatment but he wanted to give them a starting point. He'd been weaning her off the painkillers but even at discharge she wasn't completely off them.

On the day she was finally discharged, Jay picked her up from the hospital and took her back to her apartment. The plan was they'd hang out for a bit, he'd help her pack a travel bag and Voight would pick her up from the apartment and drive her to the rehab centre. Walking back into her apartment after three weeks felt a little strange, there was dust starting to settle on the counters and cupboards. She felt an urge to clean them but Jay told her not to worry, they'd organise for a cleaner to go through the apartment closer to when she was coming home for good. What he didn't say was they'd also be going through the apartment looking for drugs.

They went back to her bedroom and he sat on her bed and watched her while she packed a small suit case. They made small talk, he made fun of some of the things he saw in her closet, he helped her get things off the higher shelves. He made her smile, and laugh, it felt good between them. When she was finished she sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Jay," she smiled, "Thank you." She crawled across the bed and knelt beside him. "I couldn't have got through these last three months without you. You have no idea how many times you've saved me, stopped me going all the way over the edge."

"You don't need to thank me Erin, we're friends, you'd do the same for me."

"Jay," she moved even closer to him on the bed, reached out.

He turned to face her, to really look at her, he could see in her eyes a deep yearning behind a wall of pain. She placed her hand on his cheek, he meant to say no, but when she leant forward he didn't stop her. She kissed him and for a moment he kissed her back. It felt right but it was the wrong time, he pulled back first.

"Erin, we can't do this," he said reaching out for her. She pulled away, she sat down.

"Why? Is this because of Voight, of what he said?"

"No," he reached out for her again, pulled himself closer to her, "This has got nothing to do with Voight, I'm not scared of him. But Erin, this isn't the right time. You're in pain, you're not yourself, you're about to go to twelve weeks of rehab." He wanted to reach out and hold her, but she pulled back from him again, looked away. He wanted to tell her how much he cared about her, how he was scared of messing things up between them, messing up their friendship, hurting her more, but then her phone rang and the moment was lost.

She crawled off the bed and answered her phone, she walked out the room, came back a minute later. "Voight's out the front, it's time to go."

He carried her bags for her down the stairs. Voight was waiting for them out the front; he was leaning against his car with his arms crossed.

"Kid," he smiled as Erin walked towards him, he stood up stepped over to her, gave her a hug.

Jay walked to the trunk of the car, placed her bags inside. When he looked up she was stepping into the car. "Erin, wait." He said stepping towards the door.

She stopped, stood up, waited for him to reach her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "Get better," he told her, "call me if you need anything or if you want to talk. I'll be here when you get back."

"Thanks," she said when he finally let go of her.

She climbed into the car and he shut the door for her. He didn't leave the curb until they were out of sight.

-8-8-8-

For more than thirty minutes they drove along in silence. Erin turned on the radio, picked at her fingernails, stared out the window.

"Are you okay kid?" Voight finally asked.

"Yeah," she said not really thinking about her answer. The truth was she was nervous, and scared, anxious, hopeful, sad, depressed, she had more emotions running through her than she could make sense of. She didn't want to go to rehab but she knew she had to, at the same time she was looking forward to the opportunity to get her life back together, to the time away from everything.

"You can talk me you know," Voight said not really buying her answer, he could tell there were things on her mind but he wouldn't push her to share. He reached over, placed his hand on her knee, squeezed for a second then let go, put his hand back on the steering wheel.

"I know," she said still not looking at him, "I'm just thinking."

"What are you thinking about?" He wanted her to open up to him but he didn't want to push her.

"Life, rehab, everything," she slowly began. Voight nodded but he didn't say anything, he waited and she kept going. For the second half of the drive she slowly began sharing some of her deepest fears, and her hopes for the future. She was scared the rehab wouldn't work, that she was too damaged and broken to ever be herself again. She wanted it to work, more than anything she wanted to be better; she wanted to be able to help other people. She didn't want Costa to win, he'd set out to destroy her, but she wanted to be better than that. Voight listened; he offered her encouragement and affirmation when she needed it but for the most part, he just listened and drove.

When they pulled up to the rehab centre Erin was feeling vulnerable and raw, there were silent tears running down her face, she wiped them away and walked with Voight inside.


	20. Chapter 20

**Authors Note: This is the final part. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I make no money from this. This is written purely for my own enjoyment and maybe that of anyone who reads this.**

Jay pulled into the parking lot of the rehab centre Erin was staying at; it had been eight weeks since he'd seen her, since they'd said their awkward goodbye out the front of her apartment. He told her to call him but she never did, not until last week when she'd asked him to come visit. He'd tried calling her a few times but she never took his calls and eventually they asked him to stop calling. She'd call him when she was ready they said.

It had been awful waiting for her call, not knowing how she was doing, if she was okay. He asked Voight a few times but she wasn't calling him either. Now he was here though, he was going to see her. He looked over at the passenger seat of his car, at the bunch of flowers he'd brought with him. They hadn't done well in the car, it was the first warm day of the season and they already looked worse for wear. He thought about leaving them in the car, he wasn't even sure why he'd brought them, did you bring flowers to rehab centres, it wasn't like visiting someone in hospital. He stepped out the car and at the last moment lent back in and grabbed flowers.

-8-8-8-

Erin sat alone in the sunroom sipping a cup of tea, outside the window she could see birds playing. She looked down at her watch, it was 9:30 Jay would be there in half an hour. She was looking forward to seeing him but feeling slightly apprehensive as well. She wasn't the same person anymore; eight weeks of intense therapy had left her feeling stronger and healthier than she'd ever been. She was more at peace with herself and with everything that had happened to her in the past. She still had further to go, four more weeks at the rehab centre and then on going therapy once home but she was finally ready to start moving forward, no more turning back.

It hadn't been easy to get where she was now, the first few days had been rough as the last of the hospital painkillers worked their way from her system but it was when the therapy sessions started that things got really hard. They didn't just address addiction from a get you sober aspect, they got right deep down into cause of the addiction and other associated mental health issues. They said she had PTDS, the diagnoses didn't surprise her.

They made her talk about Costa and everything he'd done to her. It was hard at first, she'd been working so hard to suppress all those memories, she didn't want to think about what he'd done to her let alone talk about it but her doctor insisted. Slowly he helped her through it; they started with the nightmares with what she remembered and worked from there. He was big on visualisation, on confronting fears in a safe controlled environment. Still at first it terrified her, she'd break out in a cold sweat, her heart would start racing and her whole body tremble. On more than one occasion she'd begged the doctor to let her stop, sometimes he let her, other times he'd make her go just a little bit further into the memory. The whole time he'd be telling her she was safe, that he couldn't hurt her. The experience left her feeling drained, raw and vulnerable, in the hours between the sessions she found herself wanting to sleep a lot. She didn't notice it at the time but already the nightmares were subsiding.

It took weeks for her to get it all out on the table but once it was out things did start to get better. They began deconstructing everything talking about it and then putting it away again. The idea wasn't to forget what happened, it was to embrace it, accept and learn to move on from it. She began going to group sessions where they would sit around in circles and talk about the things which had happened and their hopes and dreams for the future. She went to art therapy where she could paint and draw whatever she wanted and cooking classes where she learnt to make healthy nutritious comfort foods. She went to yoga sessions and learnt to meditate, on nice days they would go outside and in her free time she began walking for hours through the grounds of the centre.

The centre was breath takingly beautiful with sweeping gardens full of tall trees and scented flowers. Sometimes she loved to just be by herself in the garden, there was a park bench she'd found deep in some undergrowth, she'd spent days cleaning it off and now it was hers, she didn't think anyone else knew about it. That was where she was planning on taking Jay. The kitchen knew she was expecting a visitor, they'd prepared a picnic hamper for her to take into the garden and her doctors had given her leave from all her therapy sessions for the day.

"Erin," she turned around at the sound of her name, one of the staff was walking into the room, "your visitor is here."

"Thanks, tell him I'll be right there," she drunk the last of her tea, picked up the picnic basket and walked to the foyer.

Jay stood in the foyer uncomfortably transferring his weight from one foot to the other. In his hands he still held the bunch of flowers which he was subconsciously squeezing the life out of. He wasn't sure why he was so nervous, Erin had asked him to come visit. He guessed it was because he hadn't seen her in so long, when he'd left her she'd still been in such a bad place.

When she stepped into the foyer though he knew he needn't have worried. She was absolutely glowing; the darkness that had been haunting her eyes was gone replaced by a spark he'd seen only fleetingly before. When she saw him she smiled and when he held out the flowers her smile widened more.

"You didn't have to bring flowers," she said as he handed them to her, "you look like a little school boy on a first date."

"Really?" he asked picking up that she was already playing with him.

"Yes," she said and she put her basket down and gave him the biggest hug. "I've missed you," she said pulling him to her.

"I've missed you too," he said holding her close. They hugged until Jay felt water running down his back. "The flowers," he said pulling away fast, "I'm all wet."

They both started laughing then, completely dissolving any hint of tension which was still between them. Erin handed the flowers to the ladies behind the desk who said they'd find a vase for them and picked up her basket.

She led Jay into the garden and they walked together in comfortable silence.

"This place is beautiful," Jay said looking around in amazement.

"I know," Erin said smiling, "I think they do it on purpose, it makes running away less appealing."

"Yeah, that and you're in the middle of nowhere," Jay added, "I got lost twice trying to find this place."

"You dill," Erin laughed, "you should have used the GPS."

Jay just shrugged and they kept walking. Erin led him off the path and to the bench she'd claimed as her own.

They sat down beside each other and things got serious.

"How are you?" Jay asked.

"I'm good," Erin said smiling.

"Truth?"

"Yes," Erin said and her smile widened. "This place…coming here was the right thing to do. I was…in a bad place when I got here, you saw how I was. I'm getting better now I promise."

"Promise?" Jay held out his arm indicating she should come closer.

"Yes," Erin said sliding across the bench to be beside him, "they've taught me things here, taught me how to cope, how to deal with things better. I don't want to ever go back to how I was when I got here. I'm better than that."

"Good," Jays said squeezing her side, "because you scared me back then. I could see you falling but I had no idea how to stop you."

"I'm sorry," she said, she felt bad about the pain she'd put the people who cared about her through.

"It's okay," Jay smiled, "it's in the past, we're moving forward now right."

"Right," Erin smiled feeling relieved that she'd finally apologised to Jay, the guilt of what she'd put him through had been weighing heavy on her for a while. "How's the unit doing?" she asked changing the subject.

"Alright," Jay smiled, "we miss you. Voight's got Burgess in filling your spot, she's good but she's not you."

"No she's not," Erin said trying to picture Burgess in Intelligence. "Does Voight know about her and Ruzek?"

"Yes but he's pretending not to, he wants to see how long it takes for them to come clean to him," Jay said and they began talking unit gossip and happenings.

Over the next few hours Jay saw Erin laugh more then he'd ever seen. There was no doubt in his mind that this place had done wonders for her. Eventually, the conversation rounded back to them, to the kiss they'd shared right before she'd left.

"Forget about it," Erin said, "I should never have done it, I just wanted to see what it was like."

"And?" Jay asked a smirk coming across his face.

"It was like kissing my brother," Erin responded giving him a gentle nudge in the shoulder. The statement was only half true, at the time it hadn't felt like kissing her brother, if Jay hadn't stopped her she would have gone further but in retrospect it was the wrong time for everything.

"Really? Like your brother? Well in that case," Jay lent forward and began tickling her. She squirmed out of his reach and they both ended up in the dirt. For a second they shared a look, an acknowledgement that they weren't like brother and sister they both looked away at the same time.

"We should eat lunch," Erin said brushing her clothes off.

"Yes, lunch," Jay said sitting up. Between them they emptied the picnic basket and began to eat, they continued chatting, bantering; the conversation flowed freely between them. When they were done they walked back to the foyer.

"Thank you for coming," Erin said hugging Jay tight.

"Thanks for calling," Jay replied pulling her closer.

They held each other for a long time before finally pulling away.

"I'll see you in four weeks," Jay said stepping back, "take care."

Erin stood out the front and watched the road until Jay's car was out of sight. She was smiling; it had been a good day. Tomorrow Voight was coming; she was looking forward to seeing him too. To showing how much she'd grown, how much stronger and better she was. She was going to tell him she was sorry for what she'd put him though and then thank him for making her come here, for forcing her to get the help she really needed. She had no doubt in her mind that things were going to be different now, they were going to be better.

**-8-8-8-**

**Authors Note: If you've made it to here, thanks for reading. I would really love to hear your thoughts on the story. I know some of you might be disappointed that I've chosen to end the story here but I've reached the point where I've finished telling the story I want to tell. Erin is on the right path to recovery and you're going to have to use your own imagination to work out what happens next. In the distant future I may write a follow on story but for now I have too many other ideas floating around in my head. **

**Again everyone thanks for reading and I'd love to hear your thoughts. **


End file.
